Suicide
by lost-katana
Summary: Leo made a sacrifice long ago, a vow to protect his brothers. He killed a part of himself, but now, that piece won't stay dead. After Splinter's death, a repressed memory is discovered. But how bad is it? [Voted Best Angst and 2nd Best Story of the Year]
1. Cutting Diamonds

All right, I know I'm probably gonna get cussed out for starting another story so quick, especially when I know I'll probably run into difficulties writing it. But I needed to start it before I forgot what it was that I wanted to write!

Basically, it goes like this: The more reviews I get for one story, the quicker I'll update. So, if you don't like this as much as you like Dead of Night, it'll wait for my elder baby to be completed.

I hope you like it!

Italics are: flashbacks and thoughts

Disclaimer: Guys, I don't even own the TMNT in my dreams!

Leo sat on a dumpster in an alley, a katana in one hand. Rain fell in swirling torrents; the wind was howling and lightning was splitting the azure darkness of the sky into pieces every now and again. Every once in a while, a person would rush by the alley to get to their homes.

Only a crazy person would want to be out in this weather.

To Leo, the jolting sensations of the rain hitting his skin were a blessing. At least he was feeling something. But of course, like any indentation of feeling that came to him on these rare occasions of recent events, it gradually turned into nothingness, and he was numb again.

He'd done this to himself. He alone had destroyed any chance of common friendship between his brothers that came to every living creature so naturally. It had happened so long ago that he sometimes forgot why he'd done it.

It was often said that suicide was selfish, and Leo agreed, somewhat. A person who killed himself, his body, did it out of their own depression. But suicide of the actual _self_, the part of a person that drove them on, _that_ was done out of either two things: a last resort at protection, or an act of selfless desire to harbor the people, or turtles, that were more important.

Back when he and his brothers were six-years-old, Leonardo had committed such a suicide for both reasons.

They'd been practicing Ninjitsu one day when Master Splinter called a rest. He'd been showing them a difficult kick…

_Master Splinter moved over to a chair, letting out a pained breath as he sat down. The old rat moved his left knee up and across his right, proceeding to massage it. He didn't notice his eldest son next to him, assuming that he'd gone off to play with his brothers._

_The young turtle looked him over worriedly. "What's wrong, Sensei?"_

_Splinter turned his head sharply, then smiled. "It is nothing, my son. It is simply a disadvantage that comes with old age."_

"_How old are you?" asked Leo, out of curiosity. He'd never thought of his father as old before._

_Splinter laughed gently, then patted the boy's head. "Older than you, Leonardo. Much older than you."_

It was on that day that Leo had first realized the fact that he and his brother's beloved Sensei wouldn't be with them. Who would take care of them after he died?

The young Leo spent several days pondering the question. He'd never met any other people besides his brothers. After watching them carefully one day, he saw that none of them would be able to cope with Splinter's death easily, much less be able to take control of a family. They'd need help getting through such an event.

Honestly, Leo didn't think at the time that he himself would be able to handle it either, but, as he watched Mikey cry from the tiniest scratch, he understood that he'd have to.

So, in result, the ninja spent his young years abandoning youth itself. He abandoned or hid troublesome emotions as best as he could. But of course, being a teenager, they were still there, slightly diminished, but there.

Then, three months ago, Master Splinter died of natural causes. Natural causes being the customary was a body shuts down after having sharp, metal spikes shoved into its stomach.

It was just as he'd predicted all those years ago. His brothers didn't handle it well at all. For several days, Mikey cried himself to sleep, Don would work so hard in his lab that he'd forget to eat, and Raph spent so much time topside bashing heads that it was only a matter of time before some poor criminal got killed.

Leo sighed. He felt like a failure. Sure, he was helping his brothers as best as he could. They were even progressing, now. But he felt like he'd failed his sensei, his father.

He'd been dead for three months and Leo hadn't even shed one tear. His father deserved at least that. Even from a son who was mentally numb.

The thing Leo knew about his spiritual suicide was that it wasn't a perfect shield. It was like a diamond. Diamonds are the strongest mineral known to man, but if you were to hit it at one special spot, it shattered.

In his case, there were several vulnerable spots. He hadn't found them all yet, though. But he knew the most logical one: physical pain.

That was why he was out here in this storm tonight. That was why he trained until he was so weak that he barely had the energy to drag himself to the couch where he passed out every other night, now. That was why he occasionally deprived himself of food. That was why, when they were on their nightly patrols, he let a thug get in a hit, or two.

And that was why his katana was being dragged across his right arm.

Leo watched the little scratch turn red. Then, he traced its outline, again and again. Eventually, it became a long line of blood that flowed down to his elbow, where it dripped down to the dumpster, and with the help of the rain, down to the earth.

But all pain, after a little while, turned into numbness as usual. At least it was something.

Lightning flashed not to far away, revealing a figure Leonardo knew well. Raphael stepped into the alley; over to where Leo sat. His eyes were wide as he traced the wound on Leo's arm.

He looked up at Leo, in a mix of shock and anger. Leo kept his gaze cold and steady, never minding to put his katana down.

"LEO?" Raph asked, as if trying to convince himself that it was somebody else. When he couldn't, his look hardened. "What the hell did you do?"

Well, what'd ya guys think? Do you like? Remember, the more reviews, the quicker I'll update!


	2. Revelation

I'm baaack!

Guess what? Today, as in March 14, 2005, is my fifteenth birthday! Now you probably know what the Pi90 means, huh? (frowns) No, I am not a math nerd! I just find it cool that my birthday (pi) is used as a major part of people's lives everyday. (jumps up and down excitedly) Yay! I'm finally fifteen!

Well, it seems you guys _really_ like this story! Since you like it so much, I've decided to update quicker than I intended. (sniffles) It will be a disappointment compared to the first chapter! However, it will have a few interesting points that will, hopefully, make it worth it.

In addition, I must ask that you don't rush me with this story! I have most of Dead of Night figured out, but I'm writing Suicide as I go. I spent all night thinking of this chapter (9 PM-2 AM), so you better be happy!

(yawns) Sorry. Didn't mean to yell at ya. Just about everyone in my family and school is mad at me for getting an account here. I have _so_ much homework, it's literally weighing me down (we students shouldn't keep stuff in backpacks), I'm broke, got a lot of chores at home, new baby here any day now, and yet, my main concern is updating for the readers that leave such _fantastic_ reviews!

Honestly guys, just one review makes me happy for hours on end, and this story got 14 of 'em! Thank you so much! Reading your thoughts is the best feeling I've ever experienced, so please R&R!

Okay, story time!

Disclaimer: My psychiatrist says I don't own the TMNT, but I'll just go into my own private little world and pretend I didn't hear him.

&&&&&

He watched the dark river flow in thick rivulets down his brother's arm. Raphael couldn't understand why this was happening. Out of the four of them, Leo had always seemed the sanest, the most responsible.

But yet, no matter how many times Raph tried to believe this was a bad dream, Leo still sat here before him, looking at him as if nothing was wrong.

Leo… I-" he put a hand to his head, "why'd ya do this?"

Leo's eyes flickered down to the cut, then back. "Because."

Raph growled under his breath. He wasn't good at playing the responsible one in these situations. There was a reason for this, a reason that was quickly losing its patience. But he had to.

"Because… why?"

Leo got up off the dumpster, sheaving his katana. He opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say something, then closed it again, shaking his head. "You wouldn't understand." The blue-clad turtle turned, heading for the sewers.

"Leo, I've known ya since- since forever. What makes you think I wouldn't understand?"

With a grunt, Leo lifted the manhole cover. "Well… granted, you may be the one who'd understand the most, but…" he looked Raph over, "it's the reaction I'm worried about."

Snap. There went Raph's temper. "What?" My reaction to you tryin' to kill yourself?" he asked, scorn laced in his voice.

Leo had been climbing down the ladder into the sewers, but now he stopped, looking up at Raph in shock. "You actually think I was trying to kill myself?"

"At least I was thinkin'!"

Leo dropped into the sewers, Raph jumping in after him. The murky water of the tunnels splashed at his feet. To his surprise, his brother was waiting for him at the bottom, instead of taking off.

"Raphael," he said, "I've been _thinking_ practically my entire life. I've practiced Ninjitsu all my life. The only hobby I've ever really had is planning, understanding you guys. Don't I at least get a chance to mourn?"

"No one said you couldn't! But this-" he lifted Leo's right arm, pointing to the wound, "this ain't healthy!"

"Neither is trying to hang yourself after fighting with your brothers and getting sent to your room."

"That was a long time…" Raph stared, "how'd ya know about that?"

Leo shrugged. "You had a look; I followed you to your room and watched you."

"But we were only ten…"

"I sacrificed myself when we were six."

Raph raised an eye ridge. "Sacrifice?"

Leo's eyes widened. "You wouldn't get it." He headed off to the lair. "Raph, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell Mike or Donny about this."

The red-clad turtle shook his head, still amazed at how Leo had known about his attempted suicide, and now confused. _Sacrifice? What'd he mean about that?_

"Look, Leo. How can ya honestly expect that I'd keep this from them? They deserve to know that their big brother's tryin' to off himself!"

Leo turned sharply. "For the last time, I'm not trying to kill myself! If I were, I would of cut the wrist, not the arm!"

Raph winced at Leo's bluntness.

"You say that you know me, Raphael, but if you can't even realize that I could _never _be so selfish, you'll never know who I am." He scratched himself in frustration. "Besides, who are you to judge me? You actually _meant_ to kill yourself! Heck, if that beam hadn't broke, you might be dead!"

"And you would've just watched!"

Raph watched the look on Leo's face and knew what he said was cold.

"Raph…" Leo's voice shook, "I would prefer to die a thousand of the most painful deaths than to have _any _of my brothers die. When you put that noose around your neck, I took out both of my katanas. If you came any closer to death than you did, I would've sliced that rope. I wouldn't have let you die."

They were silent walking back to the lair, each preoccupied with their own thoughts. Just as they reached the door, a cough from Raph demanded attention. "Did you ever tell Splinter?"

"No."

"You serious?"

"Yeah. He didn't need to know. If you had tried it again, though, I would've."

"You probably should've."

Leo nodded. "Yeah, probably."

The door to the lair opened and Leo walked in. Raph put a hand on his shoulder, turning him around.

"What'd ya mean about 'sacrifice'?"

"Umm… nothing."

"It ain't nothing! Will ya stop lying to me, damn it! What's it mean?"

"You wouldn't get it…"

Raph got right up in his face. "Try me."

Leo closed his eyes. "When we were six-years-old, I realized that someday Master Splinter would die. I couldn't figure out who would take care of us after that. Eventually I decided it'd have to be me."

Leonardo moved to the couch, grabbing one of the many pillows that decorated it. It was Donny's idea. For the first several weeks, Mikey would fall asleep on the couch. It wasn't long after that that Leo started passing out there as well.

Leo walked over in the direction of Donny's lab with the pillow. "All I could think about was how you three would take it. Then I thought: What would _I _do? I couldn't afford to lock myself up in my room, especially when I had three little brothers to look after."

They stopped at the door to the lab. "So what'd ya do?" Raph asked.

"I sacrificed my_self, _my being. I spent our entire youth trying to be as grown up as I could."

"You always were a party-pooper." Raph joked.

A hint of a smile. "I tried to play with you guys. We had fun, sometimes." The smile faded. "But most of the time, I was either trying to prepare for the way you'd react or trying to get over the death that hadn't even come yet."

Raph thought over what his brother had said while watching Leo enter the lab and slip the pillow under Donatello, who was asleep in his chair, head on a table. After making sure that their purple-clad brother was sleeping peacefully, Leo walked back to Raph shutting the door.

"Eventually," he said, "I got to know you as well as I know myself. Or, at least, I hope so. And there was only one string attached."

Already knowing the answer, Raph played along. "Which was…?"

"Me. I wouldn't take Master Splinter's death so hard and I'd be able to help my brothers. All I had to do was give up the foundations of life: a childhood, or a turtlehood, I guess. Basically, the only point to my life is protecting you guys."

Raph looked at Leo sadly for a minute while following him upstairs. He'd never realized that this was how Leo placed himself in the family, in the world.

"Leo, we can take care of ourselves." Raph said, trying to put the edge back into his voice. "You don't have to protect us. Ya can't. Someday, we're gonna die, and it won't be your fault when we do."

Leo sighed, heading towards Mikey's room. "And I suppose you're gonna tell me that it wasn't my fault Splinter died too?"

They'd been down this path before. "It wasn't!" he growled through clenched teeth.

"I was right there! If I hadn't moved-"

"If you hadn't moved, you'd be dead instead of 'im! Besides, you said so yourself, you knew he would die someday. Stop feelin' so goddamn guilty!"

"I can't!" Leo shook his head, trying to calm down. "I can't. I knew he'd die, but it still doesn't feel right…." He turned and walked into Michaelangelo's room, Raph following cautiously. You never knew what kind of death traps were hiding in here.

Mikey was snoring, shivering slightly from the cold. Leo pulled a blanket over him and he stopped, a content look on his face. After that, they headed towards Leo's room.

In all his years, Raph had never really noticed how well Leonardo knew him and his brothers. It was like he picked up on the silent cries for attention that they didn't even know they were uttering, sometimes. He himself had never gotten that close to anyone.

The blood on Leo's arm was still dripping. Amazingly, none had gotten on the floor. That was probably due to the fact that most of it had dried, leaving the fresh blood to get trapped in its crimson mountains.

"What're ya gonna do about that?" Raph asked, indicating the cut. "You should let Donny take a look at it."

"No, that's okay. I'll take care of it." Leo sat down on his bed, pulling out some hydrogen peroxide that Donny had given him, along with some bandages.

"Leo, at least let me help ya."

"I'm ambidextrous."

"Just because you can fight with a katana in both hands doesn't mean it ain't easier for someone else to fix ya up." He took the bottle of peroxide. "Now how do ya use this stuff?"

After a long explanation, a too thorough cleansing with the peroxide, which only made the wound sting and bleed more, and a shot of morphine, Raph had finally managed to wrap Leo's arm.

"Uh, Leo?"

"Hmmm?"

"Why'd ya cut yourself? If you were so used to the idea-"

"I failed Master Splinter, as a student _and_ a son. I may have been used to the thought, but he deserved…" the morphine was doing its job, "I needed to feel the pain. I had to mourn."

"There's other ways to mourn, ya know?"

Leo nodded, only half-conscious.

Raph sighed. "Lay down, bro."

Leo complied.

"Tomorrow, you're gonna sleep in, okay? I'm gonna talk to the guys, so just deal, you got it?"

He hesitated before answering, "Fine… whatever…"

Raph turned out the light. "I'm getting' Don to look at that tomorrow. He knows more about that medical shit than I do."

Leo just muttered, "…language…" before slipping into a drug induced sleep, probably the most peaceful one he'd had in years.

Raph watched his chest rise and fall before leaving the room. He took his stake on the floor, near the doorway, waiting for Donny and Mikey to wake up while keeping an eye on Leo. He wanted to make sure his brother didn't do any more 'mourning' in the middle of the night.

&&&&&

Well, that's Chapter 2! Hope you all say tuned for the next one! I promise to make it more emotional. But first, I have to type up the next chapter to Dead of Night! Ah, there's so much to do and so little time! Oh well, I'll make time.

Thanks for readin'! Now please review!


	3. Brothers

What's that on the computer screen? It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's everyone's favorite obsessive-compulsive FanFic writer, Pi90katana!

I have returned with gifts! That's right, a long waited for (in my opinion) update to Suicide!

When I wrote this, I had _no _idea how much attention it would get! (gasps) I'm averaging fifteen reviews a chapter! Holy crap. Have you guys been deprived of all the other wonderful works out there? I _can't _be this popular. It's just not possible. I know I keep getting told that my classmates are stupid, but you must comprehend that I'm just a newby. Right? Am I really _that _good? (smiles) I gotta leave you guys something in my will.

Okay, so you know, in this chapter I'll be going through each of the guys' thoughts on Leo's actions. First I'll do Mikey, than Don, Raph, and I'll finish with Leo. Shall we get started?

Italics are dream sequences and thoughts

Disclaimer: You know the idea people have about believing you have something and you'll get it? It don't work. I tried and I still don't own the TMNT.

&&&&&

"So," Mikey scratched his head, "you're saying Leo tried to _kill _himself?"

Raphael was leaning against the wall. "Well, he said he wasn't. And the more I think about it, the more I believe him. Leo ain't the type of guy who would just abandon us. He's too selfless for that."

Donny pointed out, "Yeah, but I also never thought he'd be the type to cut a seven-inche long gash in his arm, either. And he did it because why, again?"

"Well, he said he did it 'cause he wanted to…" Raph shook his head, "mourn… he wanted to feel pain."

"And he didn't try anything else?" Don asked in disbelief.

"Ya know," Mikey looked into Leo's room, making sure he was still asleep, "I don't think Leo's ever even had a good cry over Master Splinter."

Raph looked to the floor. "But that don't give 'im the right to go and cut himself to the ribbons!"

He watched in guilt as his brothers winced at the statement.

Don got over it the quickest. "But it _is _a sign. We need to look out for them if we're going to help him."

His brothers just nodded.

"Well," Raph took off in the direction of his room, "I'm gonna turn in. Hey Don, would ya mind checkin' Leo's cut? I don't know if I fixed it up right."

"Sure, I'll just go and get my things." With that, Donatello walked off in the direction of his own room.

With Don and Raph gone, Mikey stood in the hallway. He looked in Leo's room one last time. He still lay in the same place he had since Raph had told them the story.

Then, Mikey walked away.

&&&&&

In his room, Michaelangelo sat on his bed. Of all his brothers, Leo was the last one he would suspect of cutting himself. He'd always thought that if any of 'em were to break, it'd be Raph.

But Leo? Leo was the strong one. Spiritually anyways. Leo had always seemed content in his environment. In fact, Mikey couldn't remember ever seeing him depressed.

With a smile, the orange-clad turtle remembered how nice of a brother Leo had always been. Sure, Don had always been really cool, but he'd always been so busy with building or fixing things. And of course, Mikey often broken most of Donny's inventions. _People really shouldn't make things so shiny. They call to me. _He blinked. _And they shouldn't make big, red buttons that you're not supposed to touch._

But whenever Mike had been lonely, Leo had always taken the time to play with him. Unless, of course, Master Splinter had told him to do something else. And when they played, they always did what Mikey wanted to do.

Mike frowned as some other memories surfaced. He grabbed his pillow, hugging it tightly.

"_Hurry up, Mikey!" A nine-year-old Raphael had cried. "If ya wanna play tag, you're gonna have to pick up the pace!" _

"_I'm going, I'm going!"_

_He noticed Leo not to far from where he was. "Hey, what're you guys doing?"_

_Raph had rolled his eyes at his older brother. "Were playin' tag! Is that a bad thing?" He had asked sarcastically._

_Leo shrugged. "No. But take it easy on Mikey, okay?"_

_Raph didn't say anything, he just gritted his teeth._

_Mikey watched his big brother look at him with concerned eyes. "Mikey, you sure you don't want me to play with you guys?"_

_At that point, the orange-clad turtle had gotten upset. He wasn't a little baby! He could take care of himself! "Nuh-uh! How come you have to be such a nosy big brother, Leo?"_

As it turned out, Raph _had _played a little too rough that day, as usual. Mike suffered a sprained ankle for it, too. One would think that he would've learned to listen to Leonardo, but he didn't.

As he thought about it some more, Mikey realized that he hadn't even considered doing _anything _with Leo as a child. Not unless there was no one else to play with. He'd even get mad sometimes when Leo made sure to accompany his brothers when they'd go out into certain areas of the sewers without Splinter.

Mikey started to cry. Had he really been that bad of a little brother? Sure, he sometimes did things intentionally to annoy his brothers, especially Raph, but he'd never thought that he'd been so cruel as to reject companionship with any of his siblings when he was younger.

Leo couldn't have done what he did just because of him though, right? Mikey wiped away some tears. No, that wouldn't be like him. Leo wouldn't give into pain like that.

But, Master Splinter… Leo had always been closet to their Sensei. Maybe that was why.

But Raph's words rang through his head sound and true. That wasn't like Leo's character. His blue-clad brother wouldn't dare abandon his brothers like that, would he?

Again, something Raph had said about his conversation with Leo came back to him. Leo had said something about being a protector. Something like he had 'sacrificed' himself so he could take care of his brothers.

Mikey didn't quite understand that yet. But he decided that whatever it was that Leo had sacrificed, he would get back.

&&&&&

Donatello sighed as he put together a few medical supplies. He'd taken care of his brothers' wounds, as well as his own, numerous times. But he had never treated a self-inflicted wound. That thought had never once crossed his mind until today.

Despite Raph's explanation, which, he guessed, was more like Leo's, he was still unclear on why Leo had done this to himself.

This was the brother that had taken care of everybody since youth on. This was the brother that did just about everything he was told. This was the brother that Don had been able to trust with some of his most heart-wrenching problems. Why hadn't Leo ever said anything?

Donny dropped a roll of bandages and bent down to get it. He kept on thinking that he should have seen the signs. After Splinter's death, Leo had been so subdued, it was frightening. He often went for days without food, maybe eating once every two days. Then, he trained so hard, literally pushing himself to the edge, that he'd be weaker then he'd ever been in a long fight with Raph.

He had never told anyone this, but several times after Leo had passed out on the couch, Don would check on him to find that his brother had a fever. But it had always gone down by the time he'd woken up. Donny had been meaning to talk to his brother about that, but he'd never gotten the chance.

Putting, the roll of bandages in a small kit, the purple-clad turtle made sure he had everything he needed. He was reminded of a time when he'd been doing such a thing, under different circumstances of course.

"_Well," Donny had informed his seven-year-old brother as he wrapped his foot, "you really cut yourself up. Mike's lucky that you got him away from that broken glass, Leo. If you hadn't he'd probably be screaming like a baby right now!"_

_The two laughed at the thought. It had actually surprised Donatello that his brother had been so calm. That was a nasty cut. Even Raph probably would've been squirming at least._

"_Hey, Leo?" Don was wondering if he'd done this right. After all, Master Splinter had just taught him how to do this. "You feeling okay?"_

"_Huh? Oh, yeah, Don. You did a great job!"_

"_You sure?"_

"_Positive!"_

"_Well, okay. Now, you really shouldn't be walking on that for a while now, you understand?"_

Of course, Leo had been up on that foot twenty minutes later. Helping Donny, in fact.

Why was Leo so selfless? Sure, each one of the brothers cared about each other, but they cared about themselves, too. Leo often risked his life as if he didn't even have one. Sometimes, it made Donny wonder if he even cared…

He found his eyes watering. He didn't think Leo would waste his life as if he didn't matter. His blue-clad brother may be selfless, but Don figured he at least cared about his life.

Don dried his eyes as he gathered his things. But _if _Leo truly didn't give a damn about his life, Donny did. And he was going to make sure Leo knew that.

&&&&&

Lying on his shell, with a pillow supporting his neck, Raph gazed past the ceiling with one question on his mind. _How the shell am I supposed to help Leo?_

His brothers may not know it, but Raph really did care about them. Without Master Splinter, they were the only family he had now.

Raph really did believe Leo; at least, he did now. If what his brother had said was true, Leo couldn't have brought himself that close to death if he considered himself to be a guardian to his brothers. Knowing him, the unofficial leader of the group would've been too worried about what would happen to his brothers when he was gone.

That was why Leo hadn't cried when, and after, Splinter had died. He was too busy trying to help his siblings cope with the loss.

He frowned. Leo had time now, though. And he hadn't done anything. Why?

Raph searched through his memories, trying to find an answer to that question. Eventually, his mind drifted back to his youth.

"_Ya know what, Leo? You're a stupid big brother!"_

"_Well, you're irresponsible! You almost crushed Mikey-"_

"_Shut up! You're just a jackass!" Raph and his brothers were ten, now. If Splinter had been there, he probably would've smacked him._

"_Raph, will you listen to me! I'm just trying to make you understand that you need to be more careful with Don and Mikey. I don't care if you pummel me into an oblivion, just don't hurt them!"_

"_Leave me alone, Splinter Jr.! I don't need two people on my back!"_

"_Raph!" He had watched in anger as Leo grabbed him by the arm. "I'm asking you, please don't do anything stupid. I really care about you guys." He paused. "I don't like to see any of you hurt."_

_Raph had pushed Leo's hand off. "Whatever!" He clenched his fists as turned back around to face him. "Ya wanna know somethin', Leo? I hate you! Sometimes I just wish you would go away!"_

As he finished his thoughts, Raphael found that he'd been a real asshole when he was younger. He never really meant that.

But now, he realized what Leo had meant that day. His brother had been worried that he was going to try and kill himself again.

Raph shook his head. He _never _wanted Leo to go away. He just often let out some words before he could think. Leo had always taken care of him and his brothers. With a grunt, Raph now understood it was their turn to take care of him.

If he'd let them.

All in all, that was going to be a difficult task. First, Raph wasn't gifted with such patience. He'd be frustrated quicker than anybody might think. Then, Leo was such a withdrawn person that Raph was now wondering if even he, he who knew his brothers so well, even knew what was going on inside of him.

Leo didn't have any hobbies, besides Ninjitsu, as far as he knew. He didn't do anything real fun on his own time. He barely even did anything when they were kids.

Raph vaguely recalled Leo's explanation of his 'sacrifice'. He'd said that he wouldn't be able to take Splinter's death so hard _after _he'd given up the foundations of his life. He'd given up the things a kid would normally learn about themselves in their youth. Leo really couldn't know all that much about himself, then.

And if he didn't, who did?

&&&&&

It had been about an hour since Leo had woken up. He'd heard his brothers talking, but he hadn't said or done anything. They'd be too stunned to understand his explanations. So he laid in the same position, desperately wishing he hadn't told Raph anything last night.

Now his brothers would be overly concerned about him. With a grin, Leo thought that there was only enough room for one person to lose sleep over his brothers in this family.

But what was done, was done. And Leo knew exactly what his brothers were doing now.

Raph would be in his room, trying not to think of Leo, but wanting to and doing so anyways. Of all his brothers, Leo knew Raph understood him the most at this point.

Mikey was most likely in his room, crying. He was most likely the one most hurt by this. Then again, Mikey didn't understand Leo so much. But Leo had a feeling that his orange-clad brother was trying to this moment.

Don would be gathering his supplies to take another look at Leo's self-inflicted cut. The only reason why it was taking so long was because Don was distracted. He was probably the most confused. Sadly, Leo recalled how many times Don had confided him. His brother would feel like he'd done something wrong since Leo hadn't done the same.

But how was he supposed to? What was he supposed to feel? Grief. Regret. Anything but this numb feeling growing in his gut again.

How many times had that happened? Too many to count.

He remembered the first time.

_Leo walked in to the living room to find his three brothers playing a board game. They were seven, as of a few days ago._

_From the looks of it, they'd just started._

"_Hey, guys!" Leo put on a smile. "Is it okay for me to play?"_

_Mikey looked at the other two. He rarely ever made his own decisions back then. Raph actually thought about it, but then he crossed his arms. "Nope."_

_Don looked at his elder brother, a slight glint of sympathy in his eyes. "We kinda just started, Leo. Maybe next time, okay?"_

_Leo had nodded. Then, he felt an imagined pain eat away at his stomach. Then it was gone, taking along the hurt he'd felt just moments ago. If his brothers wanted to play without him, that was fine. It'd be good bonding time for them, besides, they weren't fighting for once._

_The young turtle sat on the couch, zoning out of the known universe and into nothingness. Before he knew it, his brothers were putting the game away._

Leo almost wished that things would go back to that time now. _He _was the one who was supposed to watch out for everyone. It didn't go the other way, at least, it never had before. With the exception of the times he'd been physically hurt and on the brink of death.

He was the guardian of his brothers. What else did they want him to be?

His mind drifted back to the idea of a diamond shield. It had always protected him from feeling lonely when his brothers left him out. It had protected him when Master Splinter died, too.

But there was something else it was protecting him from. Something Leo couldn't really remember.

And he was scared to death of it.

&&&&&

Well, that was Chapter 3! Thank you, God! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

So, I told you it'd be more emotional!

(embarrassed) Now, if ya would like to give me any suggestion or ideas for Chapter 4, I wouldn't quite mind.

In addition to that, I have an idea for another story that I would _really _like help on! If any of ya would like part ownership to it, please say so in your review and I'll e-mail you!

Also, I'd like permission to start two other stories. Please! One's really short. Only four chapters!

Bye guys!


	4. Guards Forever Watching

I can just hear you guys: What's this? Another chapter? But Pi90katana just updated not to long ago! How'd she come up with this so quickly?

Well I did update! A certain review made me think of how long I wanted this to be and then _bam!_ it all came to me! Amazing, ain't it? I'm having more ideas coming to me than failing grades on my homework! (winces) Oh, that was a bad joke.

So I'm sitting in my room now, hoping it'll still be mine by the end of the school year (it may be taken away as punishment for failure) and typing this story up. When I find something I really enjoy, you'd be surprised at how devoted I am to it. Or addicted. Your choice.

(gasps) At the rate of reviews coming in, I wouldn't be surprised to see Suicide quickly overwhelm Dead of Night in number of reviews soon! Especially at how quickly I hope to be updating now! If all goes as planned, I shall be done by May!

On to the story!

Disclaimer: I have seen several counselors who have tried to explain to me that I can't own the TMNT. But all of the prescribed, ample amounts of medication that they give me can't stop me from imagining that I do!

&&&&&

Leo sat in his chair, just waiting. He watched his brothers from across the table. They'd just finished giving a confusing explanation of how they wanted to help him. Leo had a feeling that it didn't even make sense to them.

Raph hadn't had much part in the conversation. Instead, he wore a hardened look on his face. Unable to sleep for more than an hour, the red-clad turtle had decided to join his brothers.

Mikey stood up. "Well," he started a little nervously, "how 'bout some breakfast?"

Also standing up, Don sighed. "Mikey, it's almost three in the afternoon. It's past breakfast time, and almost lunch now, too."

"Well, we could always push back lunch to six and have dinner at ten!" Mike said with a smile.

Donny shook his head. "I don't think so."

"Fine, Don. You do what ya want. But I feel like breakfast. What do you want, Leo?"

Leo traced a scratch in the table, never looking up. "I'm not really that hungry, but thanks."

Mikey frowned sadly. Leo felt Don's hand rest softly on his shoulder. "Leo, you really should eat something."

He sighed. Once again, he found himself believing that it was his job to worry about everyone, not theirs. His brothers should be doing their own things right now, instead of watching him.

Leo took in a breath. "Okay." He'd eat, but just because it'd make them feel better.

Immediately, the grin returned to Mikey's face. "Great! What would you like?"

"I don't really care. Whatever you feel like making, Mikey."

"Umm, okay." Mike turned to the fridge, trying to find something edible in it.

And there it was. The exact thing he'd been anticipating. Three pairs of eyes locking on to him, burning through him, making sure he didn't escape from their guard.

&&&&&

You couldn't escape from them, no matter how hard you tried. Everywhere he turned, his brothers were there, watching him carefully. It was driving Leo insane.

It hadn't taken long for Leo to figure out how they were trying to 'help' him.

Don tried to talk to him every now and then. That would be his field. Donny would make a great counselor. At this point, it was going slowly, since the purple-clad turtle was nervous. That obstacle would be overcome in a matter of days. Probably only two, really. When he knew it would help someone, Donny could beat any anxiety he may have.

Mike had taken it upon himself to show Leo everything he considered fun, trying to encourage him to get a new hobby or something. Leo had watched patiently as his younger brother showed him every comic that he had in his possession. He'd tried to lend him most of them to read. Leo had excepted one or two just to satisfy him.

As for Raph, he'd chosen to just watch his older brother from a distance. Raph's position in this function would probably change. He was just tired today.

"Hey, Leo!" Mike's cheerful voice called to him from the back of the room. He jumped over the back of the couch, taking a seat beside him. A box of CD's were in his hands. "I thought that you might wanna listen to a few of these." He handed the box to Leo.

He sighed. "Thanks."

As he flipped through the many titles, he noticed Mikey bringing out something else.

"Hey, Leo, have you ever tried drawing before?"

Leo grinned. "I'm pretty sure I did that a while back, Mikey. Like when we were four."

He got a laugh out of him. "Sorry, what I meant was have you ever tried to draw for a hobby or something."

How many CD's did Mikey have? "No, not really. Never had the time."

"Well, now you do." Mike held out some paper and colored pencils.

Leo looked at the art supplies, then at his youngest brother's happy face. With another sigh, he put the box he was holding down and took the paper and pencils from his hands.

&&&&&

Donny checked Leo's cut for the second time that day. Raphael had done a fairly decent job cleaning it, but he just wanted to be sure.

"Just go ahead and ask, Don."

"Huh?" Donatello had just been finishing re-wrapping the cut. Leo was sitting still, not even looking at him.

"I know you want to know more about why I cut myself, so you might as well ask."

Don shook his head slightly. Raph hadn't been kidding. Leo really did know them well. Of course, that had always been apparent, but when you actually looked for it, the trait appeared more often than you thought.

He didn't think he should be asking so quickly, but Leo seemed okay with it. And curiosity was getting the best of him. "Leo… it just doesn't make any sense. I mean, you don't seem like the kind of guy who would cut yourself just because you're feeling bad."

His blue-clad brother turned to him with a small smile. "Funny, I don't think I'm that type of guy either."

Donny raised an eye-ridge. "Then how do you explain this?" He asked, holding up Leo's cut arm.

"That was so I _could _feel bad." Before Don could speak again, Leo beat him to it. "And it's not what you think."

"Then what is it?"

Leo shifted his gaze to the floor. Don had the feeling that whatever it was, Leo didn't really want to tell.

To his surprise, Leo told him. In a quiet voice, he explained, "After Master Splinter died, I was busy making sure you guys were okay. I didn't mourn with the three of you; I didn't grieve at all. But," he took in a breath; "Sensei died because of me-"

Don interrupted. "Leo, it wasn't your fault. Everyone's been trying to tell you that-"

"C'mon, Donny. You really can't see that? I moved. Splinter got the blow that was meant for me. It's _my _fault."

"No, it's Shredder's fault." He told him sternly. "He's the one who dealt the blow."

The turtle sighed, apparently deciding not to argue. "Whoever's fault it is, the point is that Master Splinter died. And I haven't even mourned his passing. He was our father for over fifteen years, and I can't even shed one tear for him."

Don put a hand on his shoulder. Leo felt guilty. That had been obvious since Splinter's death. But he was still wondering what this had to do with the cut, though.

As if he'd read his mind, Leo continued. "I decided that I needed to do it, just for him. But the only way I could think of feeling pain was to make it physical."

This was a little different. Quickly, things started to click in the brainier turtle's mind. "That was why you trained until you were exhausted…"

Leo nodded.

"So, that's the reason for the cut, huh?"

He nodded again.

"There's other ways to feel pain, you know."

Leo snickered softly to himself. "So I've been told."

"Raph meant what he said."

"I know. But what _you_ don't know is that it's not that easy for me."

Well duh. Healing takes time.

"Don, once again, it's not what you think." He rubbed a finger against the bandage. "I… I have a certain… _obstacle_ that will make it harder, if not impossible, to get pass."

Donny cocked his head. "What do you mean?"

All of a sudden, Mikey burst in through the room. "Hey, Leo! Ya wanna watch a movie?"

Leo's attention stayed on Donny for another second before turning to Mikey. "Um… I guess." Then he got up, and they were gone.

Don stood, now alone in the room. He could've sworn that Leo had been trying to tell him something. And he didn't think that his brother had even known it.

He had the urge to go out there and finish their conversation, but now might not be the best time.

Because if Don knew one thing, it was that he'd seen a brief look of fear on Leo's face.

&&&&&

"Okay," Mikey started, "which one do you want to watch?"

Unlike a normal person, who would've just picked two or three movies to choose from, Michaelangelo was holding out about ten DVD's and VHS tapes.

"Um… why don't you just pick it, okay, Mikey?"

"Uh, all right." He started to go through them.

Then, a rough voice in the back rang out. "No."

Raph walked into the living room. "You pick it, Leo."

He could see a slight determination in his brother's eyes. God, he'd just had enough problems with the conversation with Don, now Raph wanted to get under his skin, too.

"Raph," Leo began, "I don't really care what we watch-"

"Neither do I. I just wanna see _you _pick it." He stepped closer. "I want to see _you _make a decision for yourself."

"Dude," Mikey intervened with a confused look; "Leo makes decisions all the time-"

Raph didn't even bother to turn to his younger brother. "Not ones like this."

For a while, Mikey's face still showed confusion. Then, he saw it visibly dawn on him.

Leo had known what Raph was talking about. Normal everyday choices. Movies, food, simple hobbies. Leo didn't do any of that.

Raph kept his eyes on his elder brother, boring right through him. "Pick one, Leo."

_God, Raph, don't make me do this. _But he knew he would. Leo turned to Mikey, who was still holding the movies.

Leo didn't really care for any of them, not 'cause he didn't like them, though. He liked them, but he just didn't get attached to movies like Mikey did.

But then, as if someone was trying to help him, he saw Mike's gaze linger towards a particular one. It was cheating, which wasn't something Leo approved of, but it would do for now.

Leo lifted a green finger, pointing to one of the Star Wars movies. Mikey always was a sure mark for them.

Mike's face lit up the second he saw it. "Cool! That's what I wanted to watch, too!" Grinning, he put the video into the VCR. "I'll go get the popcorn. Be right back!"

And then he was alone with Raph.

The said brother was glaring at him. He may as well have had laser vision, Leo figured. His eyes were always burning through him.

"You picked a movie Mike wanted to watch."

"Who ever said I didn't want to watch it, too?"

"Don't gimme that crap, Leo! I watched you! Ya waited 'til ya saw him goin' for one in particular, then ya gave it to 'im!"

"I didn't really care-"

Raph shouted at him. "Then why didn't ya say that?"

Leo blinked. But before he could say anything, Raphael chose an answer for him. "It's because _you_ want to do what _we think_ you should do. But that ain't right, bro. _We _don't know what you want, and neither do you."

Words were powerful weapons. Whoever said words couldn't hurt you was on something.

Leo looked down at his hands and realized they were shaking. Raph had no idea what he'd just said…

"Raph," his voice came out in a tone just a little louder than a whisper, "I'm going to bed. Tell Mikey I'm sorry."

He started up towards his room. At the doorway, Leonardo stopped, listening to the conversation below him.

He could hear Mikey. "Where'd Leo go?"

Then Raph. "He changed his mind."

&&&&&

Mikey was a little upset. He'd really been looking forward to watching that movie with Leo.

Donny had come out by now so he and Raph were talking.Mike just let them be.

He walked over to the couch. His box of CD's were still there. Picking them up, Mikey began to look through them.

He grinned. One was missing.

&&&&&

It had to be at least two in the morning. Raph walked towards the bathroom. He hated waking up in the middle of the night.

As he neared the end of the hall, he heard the sound of guitars. They were so quiet, though…

Finding where it was coming from, Raph almost laughed. Almost.

In Leonardo's room, the light was lit dimly. The blue-clad turtle was in there, training silent and hard with his katanas.

Raph sighed. They had told him that he needed to cut back on that for a little while. But it made sense. Leo could be just as stubborn as Raph when he wanted to. Between the three of them, especially Mikey, he hadn't had the time all day to train, or even step foot in the dojo, for that matter.

He walked in. Leo looked tired. He'd been training for a while. _I should have known._ Leo wasn't one to give up so easy. Now he'd gone and made it difficult.

Raph shook his head. This wasn't going to be good, but it had to be done. Donny had said that all of Leo's recent habits were affecting him in more ways than one. Don wouldn't tell him what was the matter, but he believed him.

On Leo's bed, the case for a CD lay. Raph picked it up and couldn't help a slight chuckle. "Of all the CD's Mike's got, you picked _this_?"

The CD was alternative rock, completely instrumental though. Still, it was entirely different from what Raph could ever expect.

Leo continued his training, in the middle of a difficult kata. "What do you want, Raph?"

Fine. If he wanted to cut to the chase, that's what he'd get. "I was wonderin' the same thing about you."

Leo didn't answer.

"We told you that you needed to cut back on the trainin', Leo."

He stopped, throwing his arms down in frustration. "Raph, what do you guys want from me? I can't do things like you do! I'm not like you."

"We don't want you to be like us, bro!"

"Well, it sure seems like it!"

Raph moved towards him, like he always did when he wanted to make a point. "You listen and you listen good, Leo. We want you to be your own self-"

"I don't have a _self_, Raph-"

"Yeah, I know. You 'sacrificed' it. I don't believe that bullshit, though." Raph's voice grew softer. "It's still there, Leo. Ya didn't kill it, ya hid it."

Leo turned around, starting his katas again. This was a sensitive subject apparently.

"Leo…" Raph started. He wasn't about to let his brother start up again. He was going to have to stop him… and there was only one way he knew how to do that.

Raph bit his lip. Taking Leo's swords would be like taking away his soul. But it had to be done. "Leo, gimme the swords."

The ninja froze. "What?"

"I want your katanas. Ya ain't listenin' to us, so I'm gonna have to make you listen."

By now, Leo had turned to face him. "Raphael, you don't understand. This is all I have. I have to do this-"

"I know you have to, bro." He paused. "But we're gonna help ya learn a different way."

Leo had a strong grip on his katanas now. His knuckles were starting to turn white. "I-I can't, Raph. I need them…"

This was going to be hard. "Ya have to, bro. I know they're yours, but we can't have you trainin' so had ya can't move."

His elder brother started to shake his head slowly.

"Give me the swords."

Leo's hands were starting to shake.

"Leo." Raph put on a hard look. "Give me the damn swords. We're tryin' to help ya-"

The swords were put in his hand. The red-clad turtle was fairly surprised. He had thought that was going to be harder.

He watched as his brother walked over to his bed, sitting down on it. "You have them, Raph. Now can you go?"

Raph nodded. "Yeah, I'll go. Thanks."

As he walked out, he couldn't help but notice the look on Leo's face. He'd done that. In a small attempt at sympathy, he said, "They won't be gone long, bro. I promise."

Leo just nodded, but Raph didn't think he had even heard him.

Then, he walked downstairs, looking for a place to hide the katanas. Up in Leo's room, the sound of guitars grew slightly louder.

&&&&&

Oh, I know, I'm evil! (cries) I can't help it! I'm so sorry!

Well, that was Chapter 4! (No, really?) Anyways, I can't believe it's been a week since I updated anything! As an apology, look out for the next installments to More and Dead of Night this week!

Please R&R!


	5. Exposed Failure

The great Pi90katana has returned!

Okay, if all goes to plan, I've decided that this story will have about twelve chapters total. I don't know how any of you guys feel about that, but I promise to put my heart and soul and whatever I have left into each chapter. I really love this story.

Also, a new element will be appearing in this chapter. You guys are going to laugh at me when you see what it is, but it's more than you think. And if you don't get it in this chapter, my _next_ one will bear its title.

You guys, by now, all know what the italics are, so I won't even go into it. Also, I put more stuff up on my bio, in case anyone's interested.

Disclaimer: I don't own the TMNT. (rereading Rest in Peace) But maybe that's a good thing.

&&&&&

The guitars on Mikey's CD went on. Leo felt an odd sense of comfort from them, but it didn't help much.

His blades were gone. He had given up; forfeited his most valuable, material possession, because he'd been told to.

Raph hadn't realized that he might have just done more damage then good. As Leonardo got older, he could feel his spirit separate itself farther and farther, making his protective walls all the more stronger. Ninjitsu was his only pastime. With it gone, his spirit had just made a long dash out of sight.

He'd given up his katanas because he'd felt that he needed to make his shield stronger. But he was missing them all the same.

Leo pulled out a small shuriken from under his bed, but it didn't give off that same feeling of secure energy like his katanas had. It wasn't the same.

The blue-banded turtle rolled over onto his side. Sleep never came to him easily. On his bed, Leo breathed out, letting himself move throughout the entire dwelling to feel his brothers, in an imaginary consciousness.

They were still there; they'd _always _been there. But where was he?

Raph had said that Leo had hid himself away. Leo shook his head. No, he had to be wrong. His spiritual self _had_ to be dead. It didn't hurt anymore…

Leo blinked. Where had that come from? First it was with Donny, and then that same feeling of absence had been brought up again with Raph.

He'd forgotten something.

Out of sheer curiosity, Leo looked back, trying to find out what it was. He went back a while, remembering, remembering, _remembering…_

A hiccup popped out of Leo's mouth. With a start, he let out a breath he hadn't even known he was holding.

The ninja lay silently on his bed and closed his eyes, also turning up the music a little more. He decided that he didn't want to know what it was anymore.

After all, he hadn't hiccuped in years.

&&&&& (the next day)

Much to his displeasure, Michaelangelo was up early this morning. Yawning, he checked the time.

5:39 AM. "Aw, man!" The more youthful turtle, on a regular day, usually woke up no earlier than nine, though he'd prefer to stretch it to eleven. But he rarely ever got away with that.

Downstairs, he found a brooding Raphael and a worn out Donatello, who was making some coffee. Sitting down with a frown, Mikey threw the confiscated alarm clock onto the table. "There, Don. You happy now?"

Donny gave him a cup of coffee. "Yes, actually. Thanks, Mikey."

It was hard for the orange-clad turtle to stay upset for so long. Grabbing his mug, he immediately cheered up. He waited until he'd taken a big gulp of the drink before asking his brainier brother, "Why couldn't we have taken care of that _last _night, or maybe later? Ya know, when I'm actually _awake_?"

Don sat down. "First, it was important to get the alarm clock before it went off. Leo needs the sleep. But more importantly, I didn't think of it until this morning."

"But I need sleep too!"

He just rolled his eyes. "Mikey, you average about ten hours of sleep a night. I think you can go on seven for one day."

Mikey just frowned and took in another mouthful of coffee.

&&&&&

Donny began to tell them all the things that they should keep Leo away from, and vice versa, for at least a little while. It wasn't too long of a list, but to Raph, it seemed like they were taking away every last one of Leo's habits and forms of 'mourning'.

He didn't think this was going to go over too good. Then again, he hadn't thought that Leo would be so willing to give up his katanas so easily either. His brother had always used them as if they were an extension of himself. When he'd been ambushed by the Shredder, he was more distressed over losing his swords than being injured.

Leo was weird like that. You could very seldom predict his next move.

From what Raph tuned into, the things on Don's list included, eating more, sleeping more, and avoiding the heavy training he'd been putting himself under recently.

Mikey brightened at that. Raph remembered yesterday, when Leo had been making a sandwich for lunch, naturally having to use a knife to slice the cheese. That had freaked Mikey out pretty badly. With that day's news still so fresh in his mind, every time Leo came within ten feet of a lethal object, he'd panic.

Raph shook his head. From what he'd learned about Leo in the past few days, he figured that his elder brother would comply just so Mikey could breathe easier. But what the younger turtle had forgotten was a lesson Splinter had taught them not to long ago.

_Any object, in the right hands, can be used as a weapon._

Don's list stopped, though Raph hadn't heard much else of it. His attention had been directed to the sound that he'd just heard a few seconds ago, as had his two brothers. It has been a loud thud… from upstairs. His last thought echoed in his head.

_Leo wouldn't… would he?_

At once, all three of them were making there way upstairs. When they got to Leo's room, their brother was sitting on the floor, his head facing the other wall. But he turned his head to his brothers, showing no sign of surprise that they were there.

"Bad dream." That was all he said.

When they left the room, Raph could hear a sigh of relief emerge from Mike and could see the same expression on Donny.

Downstairs, the red-clad turtle checked the time. Six o'clock, on the dot. Alarm clock confiscation hadn't worked. _Figures._

Raph shook his head. He'd just learned one more thing. He and his brothers were always thinking of Leo in two ways. They either underestimated him, or they blew his emotional responses out of proportion.

&&&&&

Leo continued to sit on the floor, which was quickly starting to become uncomfortable.

_Bad dream. That's all it was. _Leonardo told himself that over and over again. He was relieved that his brothers had been a little late getting to his room. They would've caught his hiccups.

Now Leo was positive that he didn't want to get past the little obstacle in his path to recovery now. The first one would be easy, but the second… to get past the second barrier would mean he'd have to feel that… _pain _all over again.

That was something he didn't want to do.

What time was it? Leo looked around. His alarm clock was gone. He hadn't thought that his brothers would've taken _that _away from him. He hadn't even set it last night.

The blue-clad turtle pushed himself up and sat on his bed, beginning to rub his right foot, which had fallen asleep.

He loved his brothers. Leo almost laughed. Why else would he have sacrificed himself if he didn't? But who ever had a little brother that didn't get on his or her nerves?

This time Leo did laugh. Some people ended up with one annoying little brother. He'd gotten three.

Leo quickly sobered up. His brothers cared about him, and they were just trying to help. He'd try, for them.

Prickles of dull, pointed pain burst through his foot, tickling and stinging him at the same time. As a child, he'd found it to be one of the weirdest sensations. He ignored it as much as he could while he pondered on his last thought.

They _were_ trying, that was sure. That meant they cared. Caring had gotten him into this position. That didn't mean he didn't want them to stop caring about him and each other. But caring lead to worrying and worrying lead to disaster.

Because everyone makes mistakes… 

&&&&&

It was almost half after eight now and Leo still hadn't come down from his room. Donny sighed as he made some breakfast. Amazingly, they still had some bacon left. That was just about one everybody's favorite breakfast items in this family.

He hoped Leo liked it too. His oldest brother had always eaten it without complaint, but like with some people, that didn't always mean that he liked the food.

Donny had sent Mike up to get Leo a few minutes ago. Besides the fact that he needed to eat, Don was pretty sure that seclusion wasn't good for Leo. He didn't know all that much about psychology; after all, he was more of an engineer, not a psychotherapist.

However, when he thought about it, Donny figured that if anyone would be counseling Leo, he'd make a better counselor than Raph, who lacked the patience, or Mikey, who, after hearing a few things, would probably need a psychiatrist himself.

Pulling his hand back after a pinch of hot, bacon grease had unexpectedly popped out of the frying pan and onto him, Donny turned his head to hear two pairs of feet coming down the metal stairs.

Putting on a smile, Don flipped some of the bacon onto a dish before turning to his brother. "Morning, Leo. Get any good sleep?"

Leo shrugged. "Good enough, I guess."

"Hungry?"

Leo started to shake his head, then, reluctantly, nodded. Donny watched Mike's expression. He was wearing that same goofy grin that normally graced his face. Raph hadn't told Mikey what he'd told Don.

Watching Leo eat, Don realized Raph was right. Leo was just trying to do what he was being told. And Donny couldn't decide if that was a good or a bad sign.

On one hand, that could be a sign of withdrawal. That could mean Leo was beginning to hide even further inside himself. Don was pretty sure that wasn't good.

But it could also be a sign of childlike obedience, which rarely showed up in most children, but had with Leo when he was young. At first, that almost sounded good, but it quickly turned into a bad sign as well. That was regression.

Loyal submission would be one of the hardest habits to break. Especially when a third possible suggestion made itself known in the next second.

What if it was both?

&&&&&

Sitting on the couch cross-legged position and the little sketchbook Mikey had given him, Leo drew in a few lines on the picture of the bear that he'd seen on TV when Raph had switched it on this morning.

He was alone. That wasn't going to last for long. Taking his attention off the drawing, Leo felt he could time it. He had five seconds, maybe.

One… two… three- 

A green head appeared behind him; a strip of orange identifying him as his new shadow, Michaelangelo. "Hi, Leo! Whatcha drawin'?"

Leo suppressed a sigh. Not _even_ five seconds. _Oh well._ Leo lifted the picture to the eye level of his cheerful brother.

"Whoa. Leo that's awesome! It's-"

"Not _that _good." Leo interrupted. He brought it down and flipped the sketchbook shut.

"What're you talking about?" Mikey asked. "That's better then anything I've ever drawn! What else do you got?"

Before Leo could protest, Mike had snatched the drawing pad out of his hands, looking through it. There was only one other picture, but Mikey still thought it was amazing.

Leo didn't. Drawing was nice, and he had liked it a little when he was younger, but now it had lost its appeal. He honestly thought that if his brothers wanted him to find an interest in something besides Ninjitsu, they'd have to let him find it on his own.

But Mikey was going on and on about how good his two pictures were. Raising his head, Leo realized he'd even dragged Donny into it now. _They're not gonna let me put it down. _

Mike was talking, but Leo couldn't hear him. Automatically, he took back the sketchbook that was being handed to him and began to draw again.

He'd do what they wanted him to do. But maybe, just maybe, he'd find something else that was calling to him. And maybe that thing would take art's place.

Leo began to long for the sound of the electric guitars.

&&&&&

From a corner, Raph watched Mike fuss over Leo's artwork. Nothing was on TV, the radio was broke, and his CD was out of batteries. He would train, but he didn't want to do that in front of Leo. That would be like drinking a beer two feet away from an alcoholic.

Was this what it was like to be Leo? Having nothing better to do than study your siblings? _No. _Leo _chose_ to do that. This was just a taste of the life of Leonardo.

As Raph watched him, he saw a look on his elder brother's face that he'd seen enough times to recognize, but was so small that nobody else noticed at this time. Maybe it was easier to see when you yourself wore that same expression so often.

_Anger. _But it was mixed with something. _Sorrow? Betrayal? Reluctance?_

It didn't make sense. Something else was there, and it was driving Leo mad. Maybe he was still mad about his swords. Raph still felt guilty about taking them away.

But it was so hard to tell…

It was as if there was a shield around Leo. Something meant to block anyone trying to locate his weaknesses and understand him. And perhaps it was meant to keep his big brother from understanding himself as well.

&&&&&

If he took one more bite, Leo was sure he was going to explode. At this point, his stomach ached more than it ever had when he wouldn't eat, and now his throat felt like it was begging to close up. He could feel the bile working up in the back of it.

_Please, please don't bring out another dish, Mikey. _The orange-clad turtle had prepared just about every meal their fridge allowed, meaning someone would have to beg April to get food for them tomorrow.

He'd eaten as much as he could. Half of a cheese sandwich, reheated Chinese take-out, tacos, spaghetti, which he didn't really like, and walnut brownies.

Mikey sat down happily. _He_ could eat all this stuff. "Ya full?"

_Yeah, until my stomach decides that all this food will look better in liquid form and on the ground. _"Yeah, Mike. I think I'm done."

_At least lunch wasn't so bad. _Leo still felt like puking.

"Hey!" Mike exclaimed with sudden excitement, "ya want to watch that movie?"

"Uh," he frowned. Raph was watching him. Again. He was never that bad, was he? "I'm actually pretty tired, Mikey. How 'bout tomorrow?"

Mikey showed no sign of sadness. "Okay! Night, bro!"

"Night."

Getting up meant going pass Raphael. Leo walked pass, hoping his brother wouldn't say anything.

Raph's rough voice called to him. "Was that your decision, or are ya just tryin' to escape from Mike?"

Leo turned to face his brother. Nothing went as he wished it would today. "Both."

Raph's face showed a small grin. "But _mostly_ because you were tryin' to get away from Mike."

Leo gave a small chuckle, nodding. When Raph didn't say anything else, he began to walk away.

But Raph spoke again. "No trainin', got that, Leo?"

A sigh escaped from his mouth. He hadn't even been planning on doing that, at least, not tonight. Leo's hands started to clench. He hated being against something he hadn't even done. Once more, he wanted to hear the sounds of those guitars. It felt good.

"Leo?" Raph was talking to him again.

"Huh?"

His red-clad brother gave him a funny look. "I was askin' ya-"

Leo shook his head, remembering what his brother had said just a few minutes ago. "I'm not gonna train, Raph."

This time, Raph's face showed concern. "I was _askin' _ya if there was somethin' ya wanted to talk about. You look kinda tense, bro."

His hands relaxed. "No. I'm fine."

Raph put a hand on his brother's shoulder, looking him straight in the eye. "You sure? It's like ya just blanked out half of what I said."

He heard the words, but he wasn't listening to them. As of the past few days, his brothers were always watching him. Especially Raph. He hated that feeling…

Leo snapped back to the present matter at hand. He nodded. "I'm good."

Raph held on a little longer, then nodded and walked away.

When Leo had finally made his way upstairs, he sighed and lay back in his bed, rethinking over the idea he's had earlier this morning. Yes, they cared.

Caring had led him to worrying.

Worrying had led to trying to hard, which had also become a struggle.

Struggling had led him to his sacrifice.

His sacrifice had led him to failure.

And failure had led him to them.

&&&&&

There were plenty of leftovers. Leo had eaten more than usual, but there was still a lot left. Mikey had made too much, of course.

Sitting down in a chair, Raph helped himself to some of the Chinese food. Part of that conversation with Leo had been meant to see what that other emotion of his was lying beneath his skin.

With a sad laugh, Raphael was surprised that he hadn't thought of it before. He'd seen it clearly when he was talking to Leo a little while ago.

Leo didn't like all this attention; didn't like being watched. He wasn't used to it.

_Exposure._ His brother had been put out for everyone to see, so he had to hide himself some more.

&&&&&

Okay, that's another chapter!

You guys better be happy! Even though it's slightly shorter than some of my other chapters, it took me forever to write!

Anyways, hope ya enjoyed! Please R&R!


	6. Hiccups

It finally happened! Suicide has officially exceeded Dead of Night in number of reviews! Awesome! (goes over to Dead of Night) Oh, my poor story. No one ever really understands the eldest child, do they?

Eep. I haven't updated _anything_ for a week! I'm in trouble. But not many of you are updating, either! Pick up the pace, people!

(crying) I can't believe the season finale is this Saturday! I have to wait about at least four, maybe five months, just to see a new episode again! Oh, the torture!

Oh dear, I think I lost a few reviewers. At least I got a few more in the process.

I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed, and may review, for Rest in Peace! I'll do this again in Dead of Night, in case you don't read this story. I thank **Darktiger2**, **Spawn guy**, **pacphys**, **Mickis**, **spootycup**, **Chibi Rose Angel**, **Reluctant Dragon**, **kikiyophoenix19**, **Lunar-ninja**, **Dierdre**, **The REAL Cheese Monkey**, **BubblyShell22**, **The Fire-breathing-ferret**, **red turtle**, **Gemdrive**, **KT**, **BlueRaven**, and **sporksareweird**. I also thank **Sassyblondexoxo**, since she read the story, but was unable to review it.

I made this chapter longer for you guys! I like long chapters, so I hope you feel the same way.

Have I typed enough?

Disclaimer: I _did _own the TMNT, once. But it turned out that I didn't, and still don't, because someone was playing a practical joke on me.

&&&&&

"Okay," Mikey began, "we can watch…"

Leo zoned out the movie titles Mikey listed. _How much longer is this gonna last? _Leo had always thought that there were only two types of pain or death: physical, which he preferred, and mental, which could also be known as spiritual. But much to his surprise, he found that you could truly die of boredom. It was a cruel, slow disease that ate away at your senses. And here, in the lair, they were short on cures for it.

Randomly picking a movie, Leo didn't pay much attention to it, instead choosing to stare off into space, trying to figure out he could do what his brothers wanted and get back to a somewhat normal routine sooner.

Mike got up to go to the bathroom, saying he'd be back in a minute. Leo sat still, minding his own business. He decided that after they found a cure for cancer and AIDS, a cure for boredom should be put at the top of their list.

He heard someone behind him. When he turned, he saw Raph getting ready to leave.

Raph noticed him. "I gotta go to April's. Mikey's either burnt or wasted everything we had to eat." He grinned. "I'll be back in an hour. Knowin' Ape, she'll give us all the healthy crap, so I'll have to make a stop at Casey's to get the good stuff."

Leo just nodded.

"Somethin' wrong, bro? Ya look tired."

"No. I'm just bored out of my mind."

"Welcome to the real world, bro. When ya get bored, you do somethin'."

"There's nothing to do."

Raph shook his head. "You _find _something."

As he was walking out, Leo called to him. "Raph?"

Raph didn't turn, just spoke to him over his shoulder. "Yeah?"

Leo swallowed. "What's the weather like?"

This time, Raph turned. Leo had to ask, he really did. He hadn't asked, he just knew that he wasn't allowed out of the lair right now. He wondered if Raph would answer.

His red-clad brother gave him a funny look. "Cold. It rained yesterday, so it's wet, too."

Leo looked down. He liked the rain.

"Leo," Raph began with a bit of his temper seeping in, "if you even think of goin' out when no one's lookin', I'll-"

Turning around, Leo sat, trying to ignore his brother's freedom. "I'm not going anywhere, Raph."

He didn't even have to look to see that Raph hesitated before leaving.

By the time Mike came back, Leo was already feeling the urge for a little pain; something to take _this_ pain's place.

Mikey yawned.

Leo smiled. He'd do it soon.

&&&&&

It had been about five days since Leo's cut, and he was just _finally _starting to make progress. At least, Don hoped he was.

Raph and Don had, whilst keeping an eye on him, been giving Leo a little space. Mikey, however, still insisted on spending just about every second with him. And Leo took it without any objections.

Donny smiled, thankful that his younger brother had at least been able to do one thing that he and Raph had yet to do. Two days ago, Mikey was telling a few jokes; one of them actually getting a laugh out of their older brother.

A real, true laugh. Not made up, not because his brothers wanted him to, but because _he _felt it.

Despite this, Donny was still wondering about the conversation he'd had with Leo that day. Whatever it was that had been bothering the blue-clad turtle, it was obviously still there, though he wondered if Raph or Mikey had sensed it.

But more importantly, he wondered _what _the obstacle was. With set determination, Don decided it was time he found out.

Something he had noticed not to long ago was that Leo didn't like to talk so openly. Donny had been talking to him at least once a day, with little or no progress, but had seen how uncomfortable Leo got in front of his brothers, including Don himself.

Leo _had _told his purple-clad brother a few things, but it wasn't enough to figure out what he was feeling. Leo had a variety of masks he could wear to disguise his inner self.

Don too agreed with Raph. Leo was hiding himself; he hadn't killed his spiritual self, just locked it away where no one, not even he, could see.

Walking around, Don looked for Leo. Coming into the living room, he found a surprise. Mikey, who was asleep on the couch with a movie still playing, was nowhere near their older brother. He knew Raph was on his way home from April's, since they needed a few groceries, so Leo definitely wasn't with him.

Where was he?

Suddenly, Don heard a rush of air. He cocked his head and held his breath. Upon hearing the sound again, he groaned and sighed at the same time before heading over to the dojo.

And there he was. Leo had been caught in here one other time. There had been a few swords and other metallic weapons in there at the time, but Leo hadn't been training with them, something Don silently commended him for. Nevertheless, they removed those weapons, leaving just the wooden ones for their own practice.

Obviously, that hadn't discouraged Leo. Although he was more talented with his katanas and wasn't as good as Don with a bo staff, he was well-trained in its use. That's what he was using now.

Don leaned against a wall with a small frown, waiting for Leo to become aware of his presence. It didn't take long.

Turning around, Leo looked at Don sadly, knowing he'd been caught again. After he put the bo staff back, he stood facing his younger brother, apparently waiting for the scolding.

Unlike Raph, who had a tendency to yell, or Mike, who would do worse showing his disappointment, Don always went a little easier on Leo, being able to understand him better. But that wouldn't save him from being reprimanded.

"Leo, is today practice-in-the-dojo-without-anyone's-knowledge day?" Don asked, with a slight smile and tone of sarcasm.

Leo shook his head. "Nope. That's tomorrow."

Donny rolled his eyes. "So that makes today…?"

"Practice-in-the-dojo-while-Mikey-is-asleep-and-can't-freak-out day."

Don chuckled a little before turning serious. "Leo, you're lucky it was me that caught you and not the others. You need to cut back on training for a while, we told you. It's affecting you in more ways than you think."

Leo nodded solemnly, coming out of the dojo. "So what are you here for?"

He was quick. "I wanted to talk to you. You know, about that conversation we had a few days ago."

Leo bit his lip, contemplating his answer when Raph came in, waking up Mikey in the process. The two started moving around, Mikey, for once, _not_ looking for Leo, since he saw him with Don.

Reading the look on his face, Don could tell Leo was starting to back down from his request. Following his gaze, he could also see why.

Don put a firm but gentle hand on his brother's shoulder. He whispered so the other two couldn't hear. "They don't have to come. It'll just be me."

Directing his gaze to the floor, Leo slowly nodded.

By the time Don had gotten in to his lab, Leo was sitting on a counter top, the only one that had, oddly enough, ended up in the room. Smiling, Don sat beside him.

"So," the purple-banded turtle began, "you feeling okay?" _Better not start off so quick. _Usually, people felt more comfortable with simple conversations that escalated to the point.

Leo shrugged. "I'm fine."

"Raph and Mikey haven't been bothering you too much?"

"No. Not too badly."

Despite his answer, Donny could tell that his brothers, and he himself, were bothering him. Don looked to the floor, like Leo was doing. "They do bother you, Leo. And so do I."

He watched as Leo looked at him, the expression on his face briefly showing that he knew this too. But he also regretted it.

"Leo, do you think you can tell me why you sacrificed yourself again? I think we're both starting to figure out that there's more than one reason, so, I you can, try to tell me all of them."

Leo took a long time answering. "Do-" he swallowed, "do I have to?"

"It'd probably do some good, bro. Why don't you want to?"

His eldest brother's attention was towards the door. "Because you're always watching; they're always watching."

"They aren't in here, Leo. Raph and Mikey have nothing to do with this."

Leo laughed quietly to himself, as if he doubted it.

Donny sighed. "It might help you."

He turned his head sharply, though he wore a sad and small look of fear on his face. "What if I don't want help?"

_Is this coming from Leo? As in my brother Leonardo? _Don almost spoke his thoughts, but chose not to. "Leo, you _need _help." He paused. "Why _don't_ you want help?"

The blue-clad turtle looked distracted. He asked the question again.

Leo stared off into space. "'Cause… it might hurt."

He was confused. "What might hurt?"

For a moment, Don was sure Leo wouldn't answer. But he did. "Remembering."

Don began to understand what was happening. He had tried to find out what Leo had meant by numb feelings a few days ago and now remembered a few things.

He'd scared Leo. His brother had just put himself on autopilot. According to what he'd read, when this happened, it was best to direct the person's focus to something else. But in this case, Don was finding it effective. Leo was talking truthfully, unveiling a few of the things he'd been hiding.

Eventually, Donny was able to guide the conversation to its original destination. "Does… _remembering _have something to do with the sacrifice?"

"…Yes."

Don turned to completely face Leo. "So, there's something besides Master Splinter's death that triggered this."

Leo nodded. "But I don't want to remember it." He closed his eyes tight. "Do I have to?"

Donny tilted his head a little before placing his hand on Leo's shoulder. _This isn't fair to him… _"No, Leo. You don't have to. But can you try?"

Leo lifted his head a little. "You want me to, don't you?"

With a sigh, Don realized that they'd created a new habit for them to break. Since Leo felt that he existed only to help his brothers, he'd willingly, but reluctantly, had done what they said. Now he expected it; depended on it. They'd told him that they wanted him to change, so he had tried to fit their job description.

With a start, Don understood that they were pushing Leo farther away. Don looked at his brother. This needed to be taken care of first. Despite how wrong it felt.

"Yes, Leo. I want you to. Can you try?"

Sadly, Leo nodded and closed his eyes. "…We-we were little. And…it hurt. Don, it hurt so bad…"

"What hurt?" When Leo didn't answer him, Donny decided to be more specific. "Was it physical? Mental?"

"It started out here," he pointed to his head, "but then it hurt here." He pointed to his stomach. "It-it was like acid," his voice became quieter, "eating away at everything inside."

"Do you know why?"

Leo started to shake his head, but stopped when he hiccuped. Immediately, he came back to his regular self, eyes wide. Another hiccup made him jump and he fell off the counter, moaning softly as he hit the hard floor.

In the next second, Don was on the floor beside him, helping him. But not before the door burst open, revealing two eavesdroppers.

Mikey smiled sheepishly, being the one to open the door. Raph was growling at his younger brother, for obvious reasons.

Donny shook his head before noticing that Leo had turned his attention from his other two brothers to him. He didn't look angry, not yet. He looked upset, though.

Then he spoke to him, even though Mikey and Raph could easily hear. "I told you they were always watching."

Two hiccups later, he was gone.

&&&&&

Mike tried to follow Leo, but Don stopped him. "Don't, Mikey. This is a situation when you need to leave him alone."

Raph stepped into the room. "Ya _should've _left him alone a while back. Your practically suffocatin' him, Mike!"

Donny stepped in between them. "You didn't do too hot yourself just now, Raph! But you do have a point. _You_, at least, probably have a few trust points left. I don't know about myself. But Mikey, I think you just used your last one."

The orange-clad turtle froze. That was not good. "What do you mean?"

His brother sighed before turning back to him. "Mikey, you've been doing a good job with Leo, but you're pushing it a little to far. To start, you just burnt one up when you came in here. After I promised him that wouldn't happen." Mikey saw that there Don was talking about himself. "But more importantly, you rarely leave him alone; that tells him that you don't trust him-"

"Well," Raph interrupted, "he has every reason not to."

"But if you don't give him another chance, he'll think he's messed up more than we think. He'll think that we can't trust him with anything. We have to cut him a little break."

"So," Mikey looked to Don, ignoring Raph, "I made things worse?"

"No, Mikey. I think we all did."

&&&&&

Leo sat in his room, trying to remember everything that had just happened. He knew what he'd told Donny, but he couldn't remember the words. The whole discussion had been a blur then and was a thick fog now.

He had a headache. Leo desperately wished his room had a door. His brothers might leave him alone for a few minutes, but they'd be back. And he didn't want to talk. He wanted to hide now.

He needed a room with a lock. A place where his brothers couldn't get to him for a long, _long _time, that way they couldn't ask him about his hiccups. At least, not for a while. There weren't very many places like that, not in the lair, anyways.

There was one room. It wasn't the best hiding place, but it would do fine. Hiding in the shadows, Leo made his way down the stairs, avoiding contact with his brothers.

Ninjitsu wasn't just about fighting. It was about stealth.

&&&&&

On the couch, Raph flipped through the TV channels.

He wasn't watching the screen, though.

At first, he didn't remember, but then he saw it. _Leo hasn't done that for a long time… _In fact, he'd only heard Leo hiccup once.

_One time, when the three of them had snuck out, it had taken Leo a long time to come after them. They had actually had to find him after Splinter had located them._

_When they did, they had found him sitting above the drainage junction, gripping the railing so hard that his knuckles had turned white, hiccups popping forth every five seconds._

Now, Raph remembered that Leo had been afraid of heights when he was little. It had also taken a few hours to find him. _Leo was scared._

"Umm, Raph?" Mikey's voice called out to him, shaking a little.

"What?" Raph replied with a groan.

"Did-did you see Leo come down here?"

With that, Raphael threw the remote down. "First of all, no. Second, Don _told _you that Leo doesn't need you hanging around him every damn second!"

"Raph, I wasn't, I was just goin' to my room and I passed by his and he wasn't there and… I'm worried. Donny can't find him, either."

Raph had been watching Mike's anxiety with the slightest bit of sympathy before he himself became anxious. "Wait a minute, Don's lookin' for 'im, too?"

Mike nodded quickly. "Yeah, I asked him first. He's not in the dojo, his room, or anyplace he hangs around. And when we checked the tracking device in his shell-cell, we found out he left it in his room."

Before Mikey had finished his sentence, Raph was up looking for Leo, too.

One hour later, they hadn't found him. They'd searched the hardest places, ones they hadn't even discovered yet, but they still couldn't find him. Then, as Raph searched the kitchen, he came across the fridge, where numerous sayings were attached to the door with magnets. One caught his eye.

_Keep it simple. _Raph shook his head, growling at himself before adding another word to the quote. _Stupid._

Raph walked into the living room, where Don and Mikey had ended up.

"You find him?" Mikey asked, worried. Don's eyes were asking the same thing.

Raph smirked. "Keep it simple, stupid."

The two exchanged glances, then followed him.

Raph checked the small places, places a six-year-old would deem worthy of hiding. He'd checked the closet, Don's lab, and several other places before he came to the bathroom.

He'd almost walked past it when he heard a small sound. Turning, he looked at the door.

"What is it?" Mikey asked behind him.

The red-clad turtle covered his brother's mouth, motioning for him to be quiet, before putting his head softly against the door. _Running water_. Reaching the door, he tried the door handle. _Locked. _Then, he looked down at the floor. Duct tape was covering the door crack, diminishing the sound.Raph smiled. This was it.

He turned back to his brothers, who obviously knew it too. Raph pulled out a sai. He was an expert at opening locked doors. "Guys, you stay out here. I'm gonna have a little talk with our 'fearless leader'."

They looked like they wanted to protest, but Raph didn't let them. He opened the door and pushed it closed silently before they could say anything. Then he locked it again.

In the bathroom, Raph looked towards the tub, where the showerhead was letting down cold water. Leo sat there, right under it, as if it were rain. He still had his bandanna and padding on.

The way he was positioned, with his shell against the longer side of the tub, there was enough room for another person. Raph took that seat, flinching slightly as the freezing water hit his skin.

Leo just stared straight ahead.

Raph watched him for about a minute before tapping him on the shoulder.

No response.

He sighed and tried again. "Leo."

Leo looked down at his feet before looking at his brother.

Raph glared at him. "What're ya doin' in here?"

Putting his chin on his knee, Leo watched the water that fell from the shower flow to the drain. "Hiding."

"I kinda figured that already. How am I supposed to yell at ya, though, if I can't find ya?"

Still not making eye contact, Leo at least answered. "Yell really loud."

"Leo, I ain't in the mood for your shit! You were doin' real good up until Don had that talk with ya. He's convinced it was important, but I don't think so. Now, you're even worse than before. So tell me, what the hell is wrong with ya!"

Leo slammed his head back into the wall, hard. But he obviously didn't care. Raph saw that he apparently still thought this physical pain thing was a good idea. _Great._

He did it one more time, but stopped before Raph could tell him to. And his response was directed not just to Raph, but to himself.

"Everything. Leo looked at Raph sadly. "Everything that I was, and was before that. And that's what you think, too, isn't it?"

And he hiccuped.

&&&&&

Sorry guys! You're gonna have to wait for the rest of this conversation! I should work for the scriptwriters of the TMNT. I could make great cliffhangers for them.

You guys are probably starting to think Leo's a bit mental now, huh? Well, although he obviously has some problems, he ain't as bad as me. And, if you thought this chapter was interesting (although I'm not sure since I'm not the reader), you'll be pleased, I hope; to know that I have plans for the future chapters. _Big _plans.

Umm… you guys _did _like this, right? 'Cause I'm worried. I got an 'F' in English this quarter and two of my three short stories were just rejected from the creative writing book (the deadline's in a week) and I have writer's block for my non-FanFiction novel and- (gets smacked in the face by reviewers) Oops. Sorry. I'm thinking badly of myself again, aren't I? It's so hard not to!

But you liked? Yes? No? Uh! I better go before I start up again!

Stay tuned and please R&R!


	7. What Nobody Knows

Just checked 4kids.tv a little while ago and I'm glad to say that the TMNT are up! Second place, even! But I must be careful to make sure it doesn't go under again.

Yes, I'm updating this when I should be writing the next chapter to More; I have to stay on schedule!

Got nothin' else to say right now, so let's move on to Chapter 7!

Disclaimer: If any of _you _guys own the TMNT, call me and I'll trade you for my life! I'll be your slave, whatever you want! 'Cause at this point, they ain't mine.

&&&&&

The expression on Raph's face was one of pure shock. It never ceased to amaze Leonardo just how oblivious his brothers could be.

"What'd ya say?"

Leo didn't hear him. He figured that he might as well not bother with suppressing his hiccups; they'd already seen them anyways. However, he _was _trying to stop the images coming to his mind. Although they always started over and over again, he refused to let the memories finish.

I don't want to see them. I'm going to make them go away- 

"Leo!"

His attention snapped back to the present, away from the past. "What?"

Raph watched him carefully. "Stop doing that!"

"It's not something I can control on my own, you know!"

His expression softened. Raph nodded. "Now what the hell were ya talkin' about?"

Leo hiccupped again before his body started to shudder. "I don't want to remember." Another hiccup escaped. "You heard me the first time, didn't you?"

He could see Raph clench his teeth in frustration, turning away from Leo. "Yes…"

His younger brother obviously didn't think so, but the cold water felt good to Leo. It pelted his skin, like the night when this had all started; deadening all feeling.

On the outside, anyway. Ever since this mess began, it was always corroding away within.

Always.

"I don't think that about ya, Leo." Raph was talking again.

"Yes you do. You have since we were small."

Raph growled under his breath. "_You _have _no _idea how I feel!"

"The same goes for me too."

That got him. Nevertheless, he wouldn't give up. "I ain't the one who-"

"Who what? Cut himself? No, _you're _the one who _meant _to kill himself five years ago."

A pause. "But I learned. You keep on doin' this to yourself- Leo, stop!"

_Huh? _He looked to where Raph's eyes led. His cut was bleeding; re-opened. _How'd that happen? _

As if he'd been reading his mind, Raph picked up his hand and showed him. The tips of his fingers were covered in blood. He'd been scratching himself.

Raph shook his head. "You have no control over yourself, Leo. Not any more." He put his brother's hand down. "Sometimes I wish you'd just go back to the way ya used to be."

It was Leo's turn to look away. "That-" he was interrupted by yet another hiccup, "That Leo never existed."

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Raph give him a funny look. He went on. "He was just a figment of my imagination; a role in our childhood games of pretend."

The images of long ago came back to haunt him again. For the second time that day, Leo pounded his head back into the wall. Pain flowed through him.

It felt good.

But still, the memories played out. He hit the wall again. If he was unconscious, he wouldn't have to see them.

The third time he tried, his head hit something else. When he looked, he saw that Raph had placed his hand against the wall, behind his head, stopping him from continuing.

Raph's face was blank. "What did you see?"

Leo hadn't been expecting such a question. His only answer was a hiccup. They were flooding to him now. But he refused to see them.

He tried to focus on his red-clad brother. "You were remembering somethin', weren't you?"

All Leo could do was nod. With Raph here, there was nothing he could do to stop them. Raph wouldn't let him.

The hiccups were coming faster now. In his mind, he could see his feet walking beneath him. _Little feet_.

His younger self was searching for something. _Where are they?_

Somewhere, he heard Raph talking to him. "Leo, snap out of it." He made himself concentrate on those words, putting Raph's words into sentences in his head.

Raph looked irked. "_This _is why we're trying to help you."

"Stop focusing on me." His voice was laced with shame and anger. "I'm not the only one in this family with problems."

Before Raph could say something, Leo went on. "If you're all taking care of me, who's making sure Don isn't exhausted all day and night? Who's consoling Mikey?" He leaned in closer. "Who's making sure _you _don't do something stupid?"

"_We'll _take care of those problems, Leo. It's good that you watch out for us, but ya ain't our protector any more." He paused. "Since you're so interested in riddles right now, I got some questions for _you_. Who's _your_ protector? But more importantly, who are you?"

&&&&&

Leo blanked out again. It was happening a lot today. His brother started to scratch at his cut again; rivulets of crimson flowing down the drain.

This was enough, enough for the day. He'd wait a while before asking him more questions again.

Raph was able to pull the blue-banded turtle's hand away from his cut, but after several attempts to reach Leo, he gave up and got out of the tub. Once out, he shivered slightly from the water's temperature and turned the knob, cutting off the water from the showerhead.

Leo snapped out of his trance and looked up at his brother. Raph reached out a hand, gingerly placing it against Leo's skin. "You're cold." He said.

"I don't care."

"Yeah, well I do."

The two just stared at each other for a few minutes. Raph was the one to break the silence. "Ya comin', or do I have to drag ya outta here?" He offered his hand.

Leo stared at it for a few seconds before taking it. "I don't mean to do this to you guys."

_What the hell is he talking about? _Leo always seemed to be going off on subjects that his brothers had no idea about.

He hiccuped. "I'm sorry I'm who I am. But… I'm trying." Leo didn't even look at his brother when he walked out.

Raph went after him. "Leo, wait."

He stopped, but he didn't face Raph. "What?"

"Give us a chance, bro." He paused; rephrased his sentence. "Give _yourself _a chance. We're tryin' to help ya, but you're tryin' to take the easy way out. Things don't always work that way. You of all people should know that."

Leo didn't answer.

Raph sighed. "You don't get it, do you?"

Once again, his brother was silent.

"You eaten?"

Finally, his voice came through. "No." Leo said, "I'm not very hungry."

"You should eat something, Leo. Stop bein' so selfless. Ya don't have to anymore."

Silently, Leo followed Raph into the kitchen.

&&&&&

Mikey and Don were nowhere in sight. That was the first thing Leo noticed when he came out of the bathroom. The second thing he noticed was that it was almost half after nine. He'd been in there for a while.

Raph quietly got the both of them a small piece of pie after they cleaned up Leo's arm. It wasn't the perfect dinner, but what could you expect from a bunch of teenagers?

They ate without words, something Leonardo was grateful for. For once that day, he felt comfortable. He couldn't feel his other two brothers watching him; heck, even Raph wasn't watching him so closely now.

It was the closest feeling to normal he'd felt in the past week.

When they were done, Raph was the first to get up. He waited for Leo before he said anything. "Whatever ya saw, Leo, you can get over. I know you can."

He clapped him on the shoulder and said goodnight and then Leo was alone.

Standing there, Leo stared off into space. "It's not something I saw, Raphael," he whispered, "it's something I heard." He knew that much.

He wasn't planning on learning anything else.

Leo broke himself out of his position and headed towards his room. He didn't know what he was feeling; he just wanted it to stop.

In his room, he was surprised to see something lying on his bed. Picking it up, he saw it was a CD. A note was sitting on top of it.

_Leo,_

_I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was doing to you. I didn't know that we were making this worse. I know you like guitars; the only CD you took from me was full of them. I burnt one song on here I thought you might like. It's got a five minute long guitar solo, some of the best stuff I've ever heard. It's not too old of a song, but it isn't something you hear too often anymore. The song's called 'Free Bird' by Lynard Skynard. Leo, I'm really sorry about everything that's happened. You didn't have to sacrifice yourself when we were little. Even if you got on my nerves sometimes, I always liked you for who you were, for being my big brother._

_Michaelangelo_

Leo put the letter down. When had all of the things he'd done for his brothers come back to hurt them? All of his brothers were suffering now, not just him.

Splinter wasn't the only family member he'd failed now.

That was never supposed to happen.

He'd have to apologize tomorrow. They didn't deserve to be living in guilt. Like him. But there was no time tonight. For once, he was tired.

Turning off the light and lying down in bed, Leo put in the CD Mike had made him. He immediately liked the song. Quickly, he merged with it. The drum became his heart and the guitars became his consciousness.

Completely a part of the music itself, he let himself go, moving throughout the lair and feeling his brothers breathing, living.

Moving in the million directions that only sound had been able to master.

&&&&&

"E9?" Mikey asked hopefully. He and Donny were playing Battleship in the lab, giving Raph and Leo some room.

"Miss."

"Aw, man." He was _so_ close! He only had to sink one more ship, but he couldn't find it. Granted, he'd only found two of the ships because a mirror sitting behind Don reflected their positions to the orange-clad turtle, but he was _still _winning.

"B4." Don said. He'd sunk two of Mikey's ships so far, and was well on his way to sinking a third.

Mikey pouted. "Hit." Don watched him with a raised eye-ridge. He sighed. "_And _sunk."

Donny smiled. And marked his board.

"Um, Don?"

"Yeah?"

Mike swallowed. He hadn't been able to get this off his mind for a while now. "You don't think Leo hates me, do you?"

Don looked up, fully captured by his brother's question. "No… Mikey, you know Leo. Of all of us, he's probably the one who's least bothered by his brothers. Or so I hope" He smiled, obviously trying to cheer his brother up even though he was worried too. "You can get pretty annoying sometimes, but _none_ of us hate you."

He smiled, just to reassure his purple-clad brother, then looked at the door. "Do ya think they're gone now?"

Donny shrugged. "I don't know. But we can check. We're the ones who banished ourselves here, after all."

Outside, they found no one was there.

"They must've gone to bed." Mikey mumbled. He wondered if Leo had seen his note.

With a nod, Don moved to the couch, sitting down and turning on the TV. "We all have our issues, Mikey. It just takes some time to work through them." He looked at Mike as he sat down. "What you did was probably more help than you know."

Mikey looked at Don with an odd expression. _What's he talkin' about?_

Donny went on. "When you watch Leo, you start to see things about him; little habits or feelings. He doesn't like to talk one-on-one to people when the subject is about him. He doesn't want to know, for some reason, what we think about him; mainly, that we're worried about him. But, if he read your letter, he'll know what you think and, most likely, he'll talk to you about it. It'll be a chance for you to talk him, and I _do_ think he's more comfortable around you, even if he can't stand it most of the time."

They laughed. For the next hour or so, they talked a little; telling a few jokes and whatnot when Mikey yawned. "Do you think it's time for bed yet?"

Making a show of being surprised, Don laughed. "_You_? Tired? Is that even possible at night?"

"Very funny. But I'm serious."

"All right. I am getting pretty tired, too. Shall we call it a night?"

Mike nodded and they headed upstairs. However, Mikey couldn't resist checking on his elder brother.

In his room, the CD had finished, Leo apparently liking it quite a bit. On a book, the small letter he'd written lay open. Mikey smiled. _He read it._

On his arm, Mikey noticed that a small bandage was on Leo's cut.

"He was scratchin' it."

Mikey whirled around to meet Raphael's face. Calming down a little, he asked, "So what'd he say?"

Raph shook his head. "Sorry, that information is classified." His expression darkened. "But it shouldn't be."

"Well, can't you tell me _something_?" Mikey was a little upset that Raph wouldn't tell him what else was going on.

Meeting his eyes, Raph spoke just a few words. "He said that he's trying."

Nothing else was said. Mikey wondered if Raph had heard him or was checking up on Leo himself.

Leo started to turn, signalizing a nightmare was coming. After Raph, he had them the most.

"He's been having a lot of flashbacks, huh?" he asked.

Raph shook his head slightly, a frown spreading. "Fighting them, mostly. He doesn't want to remember anything about what led him here."

"How come?"

He was silent for a little bit. "I don't know." With that, he walked away.

Mikey watched Leo from the doorway. He made himself scarce when Leo started to wake up.

He waited until he heard Leo relax before walking away, towards his room. But before he left, he heard something that stopped him dead in his tracks, confusing him.

Leo's voice was shaking a little. "They're not like that. I swear."

&&&&&

Okay, it wasn't _that _long, but be happy!

Next thing to work on is More. I'll see ya guys soon!

Later!


	8. Trust

Hello! (gasps) I've broken the one-hundred reviews barrier! Is 114 reviews possible? (looks at many great stories) Oh. It's very possible.

Honestly, I never thought I'd get this far. I was all 'Eh. What the hey. Let's see what happens'. I was hoping for maybe a review from a few people, perhaps one from an author/ess I admired. Then, I get all of these fantastic reviews and buddies! This is so cool!

Everyone ready? Then read!

Italics are flashbacks, thoughts, dreams, etc. Oh, and there's this voice in a flashback, and I just wanted to let you know it's male.

Disclaimer: It's okay for me to pretend I own the TMNT when I'm in my little corner of the institution.

&&&&&

"They're just like mine. The only reason why they tolerate you is because you're family. But do you really think they'd care if you just mysteriously disappeared?"

He knew that voice. He'd heard it before, a long time ago. But his brothers weren't like what the voice had said. Leo knew his brothers, and he knew they weren't like that.

The thing that bothered him most was that he couldn't place a face to that voice. Not yet. But he knew he'd seen that person before. Just once. And it had made an impression.

Leo pulled a blanket up to his chin and tried to rest. He could get past these memories if he wanted to.

He'd forget about them. He had things to do tomorrow. Leo had promised to try. He _was _trying. But he'd have to try harder. For his brothers.

They're not like that. They're not.

&&&&&

This was good. Leo hadn't been the first one to wake up this morning, but he hadn't been the last either.

Raph watched him drinking some tea at the table; reading a book. He turned his head back to the task before him. Finding the remote.

When Leo got up early, he usually pushed himself all day long in everything he did. He's push himself past exhaustion, even if it wasn't necessary. When he was the last to be up and around, like he had been doing these past several days, Leo always isolated himself from everybody else, brooding, making it harder to do anything with him.

It was funny how the time of day could effect people.

Finding the remote, on top of the TV, of all places, he sat down and turned it on.

&&&&&

Yawning, Mikey got out a plate from the cupboard, setting it down on the counter. He turned to the fridge, grabbing the bread that sat on top of it, to make his toast. When he turned back to his plate, he found a small, folded piece of paper on it.

He opened the note. There was only one word on it.

Thanks 

It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who it was from, but when Mikey turned around, Leo was sitting calmly at the table, reading.

The orange-clad turtle shook his head. Ninjitsu, when it wasn't a matter of life and death, was a wonderful game.

Sitting across the table from his elder brother, Mikey watched him, but not in the scrupulous way he had been recently.

For some reason, Leo was uncomfortable showing them all the things going on in his head. Mikey didn't really know why.

Raph got up to go to the bathroom, leaving them alone. Michaelangelo smiled. "Did you like the song?" He already knew the answer, but the younger turtle was a social being. He needed to start a conversation.

Leo looked up from his book. "Yeah. It was awesome."

Grinning, Mikey nodded. Then he looked a little closer at Leo's face. He was upset about something. "What's wrong?"

He hesitated before answering. Then he mumbled, "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

Tracing the handle of his cup, Leo sighed. "Everything I've done to protect you guys has made your lives even worse. I was supposed to be the only one who had to suffer. Now you all are. I failed… again."

Mikey shook his head sternly. "No way. You've never let any of us down." Leo opened his mouth, but Mikey intervened. "And don't even try to give me any examples. We all mess up, Leo. There's nothin' you can do about it, either. But you've never failed us."

The look Leo wore on his face was mixed; one of pure relief, yet doubt. Somewhere in his little speech, Mikey had gotten to him.

But then, he saw something else. Gratitude. Leo wasn't perfect; he'd never wanted to be. But they'd always treated him, resented him, as if he was. Splinter had always pushed him harder than the rest of them. Leo pushed himself even harder because his only desire was to live up to his expectations.

Expectations that had been set up far too high.

_This is what he needs. Leo doesn't want to be singled out. He wants to be grouped with the rest of us. _It all clicked. _He's lonely. All he's ever wanted is to be accepted. _But by whom?

By us.

There were so many hidden feelings behind the blue-banded brother before him; each one so desperate to stay in hiding so he wouldn't have to hurt again.

But this was just a little one. The big one was hidden so deep within, Leo couldn't even remember what it was, nor did he want to.

He had to come face-to-face with it someday, though. If he wanted to heal, he'd have to.

Leo was smiling. He hadn't been able to talk before, but he was forcing himself to now. "Thank you."

Mikey smiled back.

They ate breakfast in silence, which, to his shock, the younger turtle found comfortable. But that could only last so long.

"Okay!" he shouted. "You can put away the dishes."

Leo shot him a playful glare. "What? Says who?"

"I do. After all," Mikey grinned, "you're the big brother."

Having all ready been up and collecting the plates before Mikey had started his sentence, Leo suddenly froze.

"What's wrong?"

Leo snapped back to reality. "Nothing. I was just thinking."

He smiled and walked away.

&&&&&

All in all, today had been a pretty good day; much better than the day before. Don didn't ask any questions, Raph hadn't fought his way into his head, and Mikey seemed to be even more understanding than he'd ever seen him. He hadn't watched him so carefully, but more importantly, he showed Leo that he understood; even if it was only in the tiniest bit.

Leo lay on the couch; trying to sort things out. There had been one bad thing that had happened today.

"… you're the big brother."

The second Mike had said that to him, the sentence was replayed by another voice. The same one from the dream this morning.

"It doesn't matter that you take care of them. You're the big brother. You have all the advantages that they want. But they don't see what you don't have. That's another thing that makes us so alike."

Now the voice from the past was saying that they were alike. First, it had just been their brothers, but now it had reached them.

With a flash, a picture of a swirling current of water appeared in his mind's eye. The middle churned down, down until the color was distorted to pure darkness. A darkness that seemed to reach deep into the bowels of hell.

Leo turned over on his stomach and forced himself to breathe again. These flashbacks were seriously messing with his mind. Why were they coming now? They had never appeared when he was younger.

He heard Donny call him from the lab and got up, pushing the memory into just a fragment he could draw up at anytime.

He had no desire to see them again.

&&&&& (next day)

Things had slowly gotten better. The improvement was minor; Leo still had a ways to go, but it was still much better than it had been.

But Leo still seemed a little withdrawn. Mikey had to admit, they hadn't given him much. Leo was working with what he had, and that was something he commended him for.

But now, it was his turn to make an effort at helping his elder brother along. Sitting on the couch, drawing, Leo would occasionally turn his head and look behind him.

Mikey smiled. Yes, he'd help. And he had the perfect idea as to how.

&&&&&

He really couldn't help it. It was if the dojo was calling him, or perhaps it had a giant, lighted arrow pointing down at it; flashing with all the attraction of the outside of a Vegas casino.

Granted, he'd just practiced in there two days ago, but when you thought about it, that was a long time for the blue-banded turtle. He was used to training several times a day, especially in the past few months.

Bored of the artwork before him, Leo turned a weary gaze at the dojo, then switched his attention to the brother beside him.

Mikey was getting up; a mischievous grin on his face and an excited look in his eyes.

What is he planning?

Leo was half-tempted to ask the question on his mind but decided against it. He didn't think Mikey was going to do anything wrong.

Besides, it had been decreed, both wordlessly and vocally, that Leo should cut back on his more stressful habits.

Stressful? If anything, they were relaxing. And they took the pain away.

He shook himself out of that frame of mind, remembering how different other people's view of it was, and watched Mikey standing before him.

"I'm gonna go get something, 'kay Leo? Stay here. I'll be back in a minute."

When he was gone, Leo sat there for a few seconds before turning back again to look at the dojo. In seconds, he was up, standing nearby, but never entering. Torn between two pieces of himself.

One part wanted to just go in there in spite; train 'til he couldn't move. He had made a vow to protect his brothers. He was the elder and he was the one responsible for them. He had to be ready.

Leo frowned. Then again, it wasn't like he'd forgotten every move he'd ever learned. He was just as fast and just as strong, hopefully. Besides, his brothers weren't helpless. On their better days, they were even stronger than Leo, really.

But then there was the second part of him, the one that had only emerged recently. It insisted that he stay put. That part wanted him to get better, like his brothers did. Maybe if he listened to them, he could.

But he doubted it.

Footsteps sounded behind him so Leo turned. Mikey was standing behind him, a long bundle in his arms. Smiling, he walked into the dojo, motioning Leo to do the same.

Curious, he followed.

When they had reached the center of the room, Mikey held out the bundle. "Open it."

Leo gave him a questioning look before pulling back the cloth that hid the package's contents. When he did, he was utterly surprised.

There, in Mikey's arms, lay the weapons that had been removed from the dojo several days ago. They weren't his katanas, but they held the same gleam of capacity that had captivated his mind since youth on.

Mikey's grin grew broader. He placed them in Leo's arms.

Leo blinked. Why was he doing this for him? He was barely able to say something. "What-?"

His sentence was cut off as Mikey signaled to him to be quiet. Then he placed a small piece of paper, much like the one Leo had left for him, in his hands and walked away.

Putting the weapons down, Leo unfolded the paper. It was just like his, except the one word was different.

Trust

&&&&&

Raph had been walking past Don's lab when he heard his brainier brother call out to him. Curious and annoyed, he waited for Don to come out and join him. "What's up?"

From the look on his face, Raph could tell it was a serious matter. "Raph, I'm just going to get to the point, okay? Do you think you could tell me some of the things Leo told you the other day?"

He shook his head. "That's just between me and him. I'll tell ya if I think ya need to hear it."

He started walking off but Don place a hand on his shoulder, turning him around. "I need to hear it _now_, Raph."

Raph's temper flared a little, but went right back down. "Why?"

Donny paused, looking around for a second before coming back to his red-clad brother. "I've been thinking. Leo's flashbacks are coming quicker now. He either completely ignores them or he pretends they don't exist."

_Or he tries to pound them out of his head. Literally._

He went on. "They mean something, as we already know, but I don't think we're getting at their true meaning."

Raph stared at his brother, intrigued. "What do ya mean?"

"I'm just thinking out loud, Raph. Now, we all know that Leo 'sacrificed' himself to protect us, or so he says, but I think there was more to it. I think this was also a defense-mechanism."

"How'd ya come to that conclusion?"

"It's hard to explain. I just think we need to figure out what Leo's seeing to understand why he did this to himself."

Raphael sighed. He agreed. But this was something Leo had trusted him with. "Don, it's like I said. I'll tell ya when I think you need to know."

Don's face showed no anger, but there was a hint to frustration. "All right. But think about this while your keeping this to yourself. Since you know more than the rest of us on this matter." Donny walked up to Raph a little closer. "What could a _six-year-old _possibly see that would make him think of life and death at such a young age?"

Then he walked off, leaving Raph was the most difficult question he'd come to in this whole incident.

&&&&&

Wa-ha-ha-ha! I'm done with Chapter 8! Took me a bloody forever!

Told ya I'd leave ya some clues! What'd ya think? Please tell me!

Thank ya, dudes and dudettes!


	9. Jack and the Beanstalk

The sky is falling and we're all gonna die!

(laughs) I got tired of just saying hello and thought that would be more fun! But I'm paranoid so don't be surprised if in some point in my life I think that that's true.

Sorry it took so long to get this up. It was a hard chapter to write! (sniffs) And the school closed the library, so I can only update every other day there now.

I just got my yearbook! And oh my God is it heavy! I just accidentally dropped it on my shoulder when I was trying to balance it and I can already see the bruise starting to form.

Okey dokey, let's get this show on the road!

Disclaimer: Let's not talk about what I don't own; mainly the Ninja Turtles. Why don't we talk about what _you_ don't own? There must be _something_ that I have and you don't!

&&&&&

He'd been doing a good job. At least, he thought so. Leo hadn't done anything too bad; in fact, his worse crime was practicing in the dojo for an hour longer than he should have. But that wasn't really that bad.

To his own surprise, Leo even discovered he was developing some sort of hobby. He'd always read books as a kid, but he'd never realized just how much he could _really _like them until these past few days. Now, he was reading just about every book he could get his hands on.

He'd already read lots of poetry. The blue-banded turtle had no idea where it had come from, but he'd been able to find a book of poems and short stories by Edgar Alan Poe. He read a piece every night. And then he even got a hold of a copy of _The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_. He couldn't put it down; he finished it in a day.

Things were starting to get better between him and his brothers too. The only one he was still really having problems with was Raph. He could tell his temperamental brother was starting to lose his patience with him. Even though Raph was the one who'd talked him into trying and not giving up on them or himself, he was the very one who was giving up on him now. At least, that's how it seemed.

Leo could never figure out what he was doing wrong. Maybe Raph just had something else on his mind. But Leo was sure it was him. It was like what that one boy had told him all those years ago.

"'_Brother' is just a word; a term. In fact, it's probably the only thing that's holding you together now, isn't it? I bet you guys used to be friends. Then, I don't know, you took different interests. Separated. Then you just watched out for each other, 'cause you're kin. But now they're looking at you, and they see someone different. And they wonder why they even devote all this time to helping you in the first place. And then… they'll just abandon you."_

He still had flashbacks every now and then. That was the one he'd been meditating on for the past few hours. When Leo replayed it, he could just tell that the voice had been referring to himself during the last bit.

But Leo couldn't help but wonder if he was right.

&&&&&

Raph was still racking his brain over the question Donny had presented to him the other day. Not only was it really getting on his nerves, it was making his extremely irritable too.

Leo had been only six years old when he chose to 'sacrifice' himself. According to some people, he'd still only been a toddler. Little kids like that didn't regularly think of death when they were so young. Even if they knew what it is, and he and his brothers had, they usually didn't give it much though. Youth was a time for play.

So what had done it for him? Raph always ended up coming back to the question he'd started with. There were actually a few things he could think of, but none of them made any sense, since he was sure none of them had occurred in the sewers. And he was positive that Leo had never been topside until they were eight.

At least, that's what he thought.

The more he thought about it, the more he realized that he hadn't really learned all that much from Leo that one day when he hid himself in the shower. Mikey and Don hadn't found much out either.

Raph stood up, sighing angrily. He was getting tired of this game; waiting for Leo to remember what had happened to him so long ago. He wanted to know now. They could only help Leo so much until they got pass this block their elder brother had put up.

Maybe they'd find out something if they all combined their information together. But no, that wouldn't work. The only person Raph could believe had something meaningful was Donny, and it couldn't be much, since he wasn't getting very far in this mystery either.

Perhaps there were other options. "Hey, Donny."

Don was sitting in his lab with the door open, trying to piece the toaster back together. Mikey had absent-mindedly put bread in it… _with_ peanut butter already on it. "Yeah?"

"Is there anything you can do to remember you-know-what a little faster? Hypnosis, or something?"

The purple-clad turtle shook his head. "I'm not going to put him under hypnosis, Raph."

"Why not?"

"One: it doesn't always work. Two: I don't quite know how to do it-"

"Jeez, Donny." Raph interrupted. "You're smart! You can figure it out!"

Donny sighed. "You didn't let me finish. I was willing to learn if Leo was willing to submit, but he didn't want to."

Raph was dumbfounded. "You already asked him?"

The turtle just nodded.

"Well, why don't ya just make him do it anyway?"

"Because," Don turned to Raph, "it's important that we don't make Leo feel too uncomfortable. Forcing memories back into your memory can have some side effects, especially if the person doesn't want them back."

"Can't ya just-"

"Raph," Donny looked at him sternly, "Leo is a person, a living, breathing life-form. He's not just something I can fix. Healing takes time."

Raph gritted his teeth. "I know that! But what else would you suggest?"

"Sodium Amytal."

"Soda what?"

A smile spread across Donny's face. "Sodium Amytal. It's a therapeutic drug; it's even used in dentistry. I suggested that to Leo too. It got a better response, but Leo didn't want that either."

Growling under his breath a little, Raph shook his head. "He's really startin' to get on my nerves. I think I'm gonna have a little chat with him."

"You can't push him, Raph. His behavior is… changing."

"What do ya mean?"

Donny sighed. "It's hard to explain. I think it has a lot to do with his flashbacks. Since it happened when he was a child, he's been gaining back some of his childlike mannerisms. For example: his dependency on others to make his decisions. From what I can understand, it originated as early as this started. We made it very clear that what he did wasn't good-"

"So what the heck does that have to do with anything?" Raph interrupted, a second time.

"He thinks he messed up again. But _we_ haven't. It's like a child's role model, just a little different. We can do no wrong." He paused. "And also like a child, he's afraid of punishment. Leo thinks if he messes up again, he's failed, which is a punishment in itself for him. I'm starting to think that was how his perfectionist attitude came along. But that's why you have to be _very_ careful with what you say around him."

"Why?"

"Our word is law. According to him, we know better. The actions are made subconsciously in his mind, but they affect every other part of him too."

Raph, by now, looked not only annoyed, but confused. "All this crap is giving me a headache."

Donny just rolled his eyes and turned back to his work with a smirk. "Go to bed Raph. You're starting to get on _my _nerves."

"Whatever." Raph walked out.

He really did need the sleep, but he felt the need to get out a little more. Just go topside for a little bit. What could happen?

&&&&&

"I'm telling ya, Leo, we should so totally sneak into Star Wars III this Saturday!"

Leo shook his head, smiling a little, but obviously not that interested. "I don't think so, Mikey."

"C'mon! Please, please, please, please, please? It's a once in a lifetime opportunity!"

"Can't you just wait until it comes out on DVD or video?"

Mikey sat up, an exaggerated look of shock on his face. "Uh, no! This is Star Wars we're talking about, not Toy Story! And it's the last one; the end of an era!" He smiled innocently. "Please? It'll be fun- and you know you want to go."

Shaking his head once again, Leo threw himself on the couch. "Whatever."

That was as close to a yes/no answer Mikey knew he could get. Leo was getting better, anyone could see that, but he was also heading in the opposite direction at the same time.

His decision-making problem was getting worse. When Leo actually _did _make his own decisions, it took a while for him to do it. It was actually kinda interesting to watch. He'd have this whole mental debate going on his head, sometimes even voicing both opinions to himself.

But most of the time, Leo did what he was told, and very seldom did he do anything else. It was getting to the point that he couldn't even decide what he wanted to read sometimes; having to get Donatello to choose for him.

Occasionally, the purple-clad turtle would budge, but he was now talking to Leo regularly about breaking that habit.

The problem was, no one really knew how it had started. And it was hard to get rd of such a weed when you couldn't find its root.

Sitting down, Mikey couldn't help but be proud of making such an analogy, though he was sure he hadn't been the first to come up with it.

He watched sadly as Leo stared up blankly at the ceiling. He hadn't been like this the last couple of days, he's just been worried ever since Raph had left an hour ago.

Somethings just wouldn't change.

Honestly, Mikey had been a little jealous that Raph was able to leave. He wanted to get out too. It was part of the reason why he'd tried to convince Leo to go to Star Wars. The orange-banded turtle was sure his big brother wanted some fresh air as well, but he wouldn't budge.

When Mikey looked up again, Leo was up, heading for Don's lab.

Yeah, he needed to get out of here soon.

&&&&&

Donny was moving from the fixed toaster to a broken Shell Cell when Leo poked his head through the doorway.

Walking over to him, the blue-banded turtle looked at all the broken items before him. "Jeez, how many things can Mikey break in one day?"

Don smiled. "On average? Two or three." He lifted up the broken Shell Cell. "Actually, _you're _the one that broke this."

"I did?"

He put it down. "Yep. But no biggie. I'll have it fixed in no time."

Stepping away from the table, Donny put a few things away. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Leo stare at the broken object in slight confusion.

It concerned him that Leo couldn't remember breaking it. It had only been yesterday. Within the past few days, he had become distracted, oblivious, just doing things out of habit and command.

It seemed that every time they got past one problem, another would take its place.

"Hey, Donny?"

Finished with his small task, Don turned around. "Yeah?"

Leo looked around the lab. "Are there any other books I could borrow?"

"You're already done with the ones I gave you yesterday?"

Leo nodded.

"Wow. Um, okay, let me find some more."

He walked out of the lab, Leo following at a distance. He wasn't really too surprised Leo had finished so quickly; the guy had plenty of time on his hands now. It was the interests Leo was taking that surprised him.

Don kept every book they were able to get on the bookshelf in his room, or Splinter's old room. It was surprising just how many books found their way into the sewers, especially the classics. _I guess some people just don't have any respect for literature these days. _Keeping up with the mental tab, Don remembered the books he'd lent to Leo so far.

_Frankenstein, The Count of Monte Cristo, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Nineteen Eighty-Four,_ just to name a few. He was going through the works of Poe like a madman, favoring _The Raven, The Cask of Amontillado, _and _The Tell Tale Heart_.

He liked other books just fine. He'd already read a few of Michael Crichton's books with great interest. But he always came back to the ones before.

And that was frightening.

The emotions picked up from Leo's favorites were always dark. Horror. Revenge. Fear. Mistrust. Pain. Death.

Oh yeah. There was a lot of that one.

But more than those, each one was filled with mental anguish. _Nineteen Eighty-Four_: everyone's actions were watched scrupulously for 'face crimes'. Even _thinking_ the wrong thing could get you in trouble. _Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_: the never-ending controversy between good and evil; benevolence and cruelty; honor and degradation, and how each emotion and its opposite battled endlessly for control. _The Raven _was interesting, too;a story of loss and denial. Very fitting for what Leo was going through.

Every time he tried to talk to Leo about the 'sacrifice', they'd get as far as maybe a sentence of two before he'd start to hiccup. Then he'd completely refuse going any further. These books were all he had to learn from him.

Donny tried to read most of what Leo was reading, as a way into his head, but he went so fast; it was hard to keep up. But in all truth, Don was getting a little tired of all this. They all needed a break.

He came to his room. "Welcome back to the Library of Donatello! I think I'm going to have to get you your own card, you borrow so many books."

Leo just smiled and walked over to the bookshelf. Don looked at him and decided to try again. "Anything in particular you're looking to read?"

It was becoming impossible to get Leo to choose his own books. He always had to have Don pick for him.

The elder turtle turned to him. "Um, what's good?"

Don crossed his arms over his plastron. "Leo, we've talked about this. I can't always make your decisions for you."

Leo bowed his head. "I know."

Sighing, Don moved to the shelf. He needed to stop doing this as badly as Leo needed to stop depending on others. "This is the last time I'm doing this. Next time this happens, I'm gonna throw something at you that you won't like; like Alice in Wonderland, or something."

He turned his head back to see a huge grin plastered on Leo's face.

"You think I'm kidding, but I'm completely serious."

"Oh, I believe you. Really, I do."

Don went back to thumbing through the books. "Right."

He finally came to one. "Have you read _Ender's Game_ yet?"

Leo shook his head.

"Then here you go. It's a little sci-fi, but I think you'll like it."

Nodding, Leo took it from him. Then his eyes fell on a few other books. "You still have those?"

Donny followed his gaze to a small collection of children's books. "Yeah. For sentimental reasons, mostly."

Leo picked up a worn and water-damaged copy of _Grimm's Fairy Tales_ that they'd had since they were small. Several of the pages had been missing from every story when they found it. "I remember Master Splinter used to let you read to us at night sometimes."

Searching his memory banks, Don found he'd remembered too. Vaguely. They'd only been four. "Yeah, and if _I_ remember correctly, you were the only one who stayed awake the whole time. And you always wanted me to read this one over again." He opened the book to a picture of a boy in peasant's clothing standing before a giant plant that rose up into the sky, then handed it to his brother. "I always wondered why."

Leo flipped through the book. "We were little. I guess I thought that maybe the story would change and we could finish it. I always wanted to know if Jack ever made it up the beanstalk."

&&&&&

All three of them had been in the living room when Mikey's Shell Cell rang. "Hello? Oh hey, Raph! What's up?"

The fact that Raph was apparently okay soothed Leo's nerves a little. He listened half-heartedly as the conversation continued- or at least the part he could hear.

"That's it? They sound just like some small time crooks… Well, when you put it that way… Fine with me… Sure you can talk to Donny. Heads up, Don!"

He threw the phone to the purple-clad turtle, who immediately put it to his ear. "Hey, what's going on?"

Leo watched as Mikey grabbed his nunchucks. Something was definitely up. Turning his attention back to Donny, Leo realized he'd missed a few parts of the conversation.

"Well sure, I'll come. I just don't see why he can't come either-"

"What!" He heard Mikey shout across the room. He went over to Don. "Gimme the phone."

"Hold your horses, Mikey. I'm not done talking to him yet."

"It's my phone!"

"_I'm _the one who made it!"

"So? I want to talk to Raph now!"

For a moment, Leo stopped wondering what they were talking about; watching them argue over the phone was just so funny.

Finally, Mikey was able to wrench the Shell Cell away from his brother. "Raph? What's the big deal? Why can't Leo come?"

Leo snapped his head up at that. Yeah, why couldn't he come? _Wait_, _where are they even going?_

From where Mike was standing, he could easily hear what Raph was saying. "'_Cause he don't need to be here. There's no reason why he should! Besides, I don't quite trust him out in the open yet._"

Mikey glanced at Leo; clearly seeing that he had heard that. When he didn't say anything, Raph apparently understood too. "_Look, tell 'im that if he stays tonight, he's got my trust."_

He hung up.

Putting the device away, Mikey shrugged. "I'd let ya go, Leo."

Donny, who had by now gotten his bo staff, walked over to them. "Is that okay? We won't be gone long."

_No. _"Um, yeah." _I need to get out, too. _"I'll be fine here. Where are you guys going?"

"Raph spotted a small gang tagging some walls a few blocks away." Said Mikey with a smile.

Leo nodded. His two brothers said goodbye and were gone in a flash.

"_And then… they'll just abandon you."_

"They're not abandoning me." Leo said to the empty room. He'd developed another habit of talking to himself. "They just need to get out. I can't blame them."

_You should be out there with them. That was the whole point of sacrificing yourself, wasn't it? To protect them?_

_Yes, but I need to listen to them. I messed up._

_They make mistakes, too. They're no more perfect than you are._

_I don't want to be perfect._

_But you want to help them, don't you? What if one of them gets hurt? What's the whole point of training yourself to be their protector if you're not going to use your skills?_

_They don't need a protector. They're not little kids._

_They're not immortal, either! It may just be a small gang, but things can go wrong. Go and help them!_

_I promised…_

_Is that going to be your excuse when one of them comes home dead?_

Leo frowned. He hated these little conversations. They turned even the smallest decisions into matters of Global Security.

But he had to admit, so many things could happen. And if they thought he was messed up now, just wait and see how crazy he could get if his brothers died. He'd never trained himself to handle one of their deaths.

That did it. He'd go.

He went.

&&&&&

It hadn't taken long to handle this gang. Most of them were only teenagers.

_Then again, _Mikey thought, _so are we. _

It was nice being topside again. A well deserved vacation; that had, of course, been ruined by these kids. But that didn't really matter, they'd been his ticket out.

Knocking one to the side, Mikey was about to make a pun when he heard the sound of a gun getting ready to fire. He turned to see a revolver pointed at him.

In the next second, the gun was gone and the guy was falling over, unconscious. Behind him stood none other than Leonardo.

Mikey smiled his appreciation. All the other goons were gone.

Unless you included Raph, who looked more or less peeved. And it didn't take a genius to know why.

Leo was going to get it when they got back to the lair.

&&&&&

"We would've been fine, Leo! I told ya to stay here!"

There had been more than one reason why Raph hadn't wanted Leo to come topside with them, the main one being that he knew he'd lose his temper with him. And he didn't want to do that when Leo was like this.

But Leo just couldn't stay away, could he?

Before Leo could say anything, Raph took his chance to go off again. "Mikey would've done just fine, too."

"Um," Mikey tried to talk, "actually-"

Raph paid no attention to him. "Ya wanna know what ya should've been doin'? Figurin' out what the heck happened to ya as a kid! _That_ would help!" He slammed his sais down on the table in anger.

Don gave him a look that told him to stop. Raph vaguely remembered their conversation earlier today.

"…_you have to be very careful with what you say around him."_

Too late for that. He was pissed.

"Leo, I can't help ya with anything until ya get that memory back. I can _pretend _I am, but everything I do will just be a waste of time!"

Leo turned his head to look at him, a look of shock and realization on his face. But he didn't say anything. Donny was right; he was like a child in some case.

"Do you even get it?" Raph yelled at him. When he didn't answer, he decided on a different approach. _If ya wanna get through to a child, just act like one_. _"_Ya know what Leo? Sometimes I just wish you would go away!"

With that, he turned his back on him. He'd said that once before. Sure, he didn't mean it, and now he felt a little bad, but he was angry. No excuse. He'd apologize tomorrow.

He quickly got to the door, where Mikey was standing. His little brother looked at him, anger and sadness burning in his eyes. But then they flickered away from him, then back. And then they want back to what he'd looked at before, and widened in shock.

"Raph." That was Leo's voice.

Confused, Raph turned around. First thing he noticed was a look from Donny that said 'I told you, now look what you've done' while remaining extremely worried. But the next thing he saw made his expression turn into something like Mikey's.

"Shit."

&&&&&

Leo had only heard bits of what Raph had to say to him, but not because he wasn't paying attention. It was hard to hear two things at once.

"I can _pretend, _I am, but everything I do will just be a waste of time!"

"And they wonder why they even devote all this time to helping you in the first place." 

"Sometimes I just wish you would go away!"

"_And then… they'll just abandon you."_

If he wasn't any good now, and if Raph wanted him gone, then why not? It'd be easy. And it'd be worth it.

Raphael had left his sais on the table. _Good, something sharp. _

"Raph." He waited until his brother turned around, eyes wide, before continuing. "I can go away, if you want me to." He placed the blade of the sai against his wrist. "I can _die, _if you want me to."

The red-clad turtle took a few cautious steps forward. "Look, Leo. I don't want you dead. I talked without thinking; I didn't mean what I said-"

"Yes you did. That's the thing about you Raph. You mean _everything _you say, _because _you speak without thinking."

"You know that ain't true!"

Actually, he didn't. He really didn't know anything anymore. And it was confusing him.

All of a sudden, Donny stepped in between them, giving Raph a 'back off' kind of look. Then he turned to Leo, who still had the sai resting on his wrist. "Did Jack ever make it up the beanstalk?"

"Huh?" This wasn't helping his confusion very much.

"Did Jack ever make it up the beanstalk? That's what you always wanted to know, right?"

Leo dragged the memory out of his brain. "Uh, yeah. I did." He had no idea where Don was going with this. They'd all known the rest of that story for a while now.

"He did. But you really should be asking how."

"How?"

Don moved closer to him. "He never looked down." He had to have seen the puzzled look on his face because he went on. "If he looked down, he would've lost his equilibrium and fallen and then he would've died."

Leo blinked. This meant something, he was sure of it.

"Everyone has their own beanstalk to climb, Leo. The past is behind us, and we're climbing towards the things we really want. If you keep looking at the past, you're going to fall." Don took a quick look at the sai before looking back at him. "Do you really want to die?"

Leo's breath caught in his throat. He sat through a flashback for a few seconds before looking back at his brothers. He hadn't even noticed that he'd dropped the sai.

Then he took off and out of the lair. All he could think of was that he had to run. Get away, to anywhere but here. And he had to keep running.

Because he was just like _him_.

&&&&&

I don't want to hear any complaints about the cliffie! I was planning on cutting it off before you guys got to see what Leo was doing, but I decided to be nice! And this is a super-long chapter, so be happy!

Anyways, remember the little argument Leo had in his head? Don't worry, he's not going schizophrenic. I have those conversations in my head too all the time.

(dances around) I got to see Star Wars III and it was the awesomest, saddest, and most thrilling movie ever! (giggles sheepishly) Yeah, I had to put it in.

Please review! Oh! And next chapter, we'll find out just what Leo saw/heard! Well, I already know- but you know what I mean!

'Til then!


	10. Suicide

Oh, the agony! I've been separated from my precious Internet for so long! I'm going crazy! I need it back! It's been so very long, and I don't think I can-

Ah. It's back. I'm good, y'all.

Hello, readers! I decided to update this first instead of Dead of Night, it's just so exciting!

Man, it's getting so hard to update soon. Ya know, I'm starting to see why it's so hard for people. But I must keep it up… as long as people keep reviewing.

Now, are you all ready for the biggest event in FanFiction history? Okay, that's probably a _big _exaggeration, but _I _feel better saying it! Anyways, here it is! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own the TMNT, but if anybody reminds of this, they shall meet a horrible, fiery death.

&&&&&

"How was I supposed to know he'd try to kill himself?" Raphael shouted to his purple-clad brother. They, along with Mikey, were running above ground now.

Donny, who was following the signal from their elder brother's Shell Cell, yelled back at him, obviously frustrated. "_Because _I told you he might take what you said literally! And he did, didn't he?"

"How'd he come to death, though? He knows I wouldn't want him dead-"

"No, he doesn't." Donny interrupted. "You said you wished he'd go away; what's the more permanent way?"

Raph was silent. He knew all this. He was just trying to find a different solution. It was all his fault, that much was certain.

But it still didn't make sense. What was it that could've gotten Leo to think like this? From the entire time he'd known his brother, that time being his whole life, Leo had never acted like he'd just done minutes ago.

Then again, he was beginning to find out that he didn't quite know everything about his brothers. What had happened in the past week was proof enough of that.

"Oh, crap." The voice of his brother brought him out of his thoughts. Donny was standing still now, a few feet in front of him.

"What?" Mikey asked, moving in closer.

Don shook his head before closing his eyes. "Leo's signal's been still for a few seconds. I thought that maybe he'd stopped…"

Raph didn't like where this was going. He moved forward as well. "What is it?" he asked, dread in his voice.

Donny just shook his head again before opening his eyes and pointing to the ground a few feet ahead of them.

It was the entrance of an alley; an old one that had been ill made. It was a little tight, depending on what speed you were going through it. If you were in a hurry, like they assumed Leo was, you'd probably come into a small scrape with the side.

And obviously, that's exactly what had happened to Leo, because his Shell Cell lay open and slightly damaged before them against the asphalt.

Raph growled under his breath, kicking the side of the building next to them while at it. Wordlessly, the three of them picked up their pace, moving through the alley and eventually many different streets until they came to the point where they'd have to split up to find their missing brother.

It was nighttime, but the red-clad turtle figured that that was the only thing going for them right now. It was important that they found Leo quick, but that just might not happen.

Because if he'd come this way, not all of the territory ahead of Raph was familiar.

&&&&&

As long as he could remember, he'd always been the fastest. As kids, they'd always competed, never being able to agree among themselves who was better at one particular thing.

But Leo knew that when push came to shove, all four of them knew where their strengths lied.

He was strong, but he certainly wasn't the strongest. That was Raph, in more cases than one.

He was talented, but he'd had to work for it. Mikey was always the natural.

He was smart, but he knew there were many who were smarter than him. Donny definitely had that title.

But he was the fastest, and that was all that mattered right now. He didn't know where he was going at this moment, nor did he care. He was running away from everything he knew right now, and no one could catch him.

And he wasn't just fast on his feet. Leo had been quick with learning a lot of things, too. Even as a child, he'd watched everything around him carefully until things made sense to him perfectly.

He'd been the first to understand why they were different from regular people and why they could never fit in with them. He'd been the first to figure out that if you wanted to make someone appreciate you, you had to do everything they said. And if you wanted to keep that appreciation, you had to grind your bones into dust working for that one goal.

He'd also been the first to figure out how death worked. On some shows on the TV, the dead came back as ghosts and would talk to their loved ones. But Leo knew that wasn't true. The dead stayed the way they were, leaving pain behind them for everyone else to gather.

Leo was taught that at a young age, six. And his teacher told him the only way you could get rid of that pain was to find another, more threatening pain to focus on. Leo found that he was right. But then he was taught something else.

At high speed, Leo made a sharp turn, trying to block out the memory that had finally come to the surface back at the lair. He didn't want to think of him. He didn't want to be like him.

But he was. He knew it.

"_Man, do I feel sorry for you kid. You're gonna be just like me."_

That person of the past had been right. Leo was just like him. But he hadn't been once. As a child, he'd been just like his brothers. And his brothers were nothing like that.

But that boy had been right about him, he'd been right all along. And he said that his brothers were just like Leo's brothers. Could he have been right? The thought made his heart ache inside.

Running was beginning to become painful, so the blue-banded turtle slowed down his pace a little.

Wherever he was, nobody was around. There were just a few buildings and houses, in the distance there was a small, empty playground, and trees engulfed the entire area. And there were lots of shadows. He was in complete shadows everywhere he turned. This area was practically deserted. Many of the buildings had broken windows, where cobwebs were forming.

Leo felt tired. Tired about everything. Death seemed like a good option, but now there was a problem in doing it. For one, he still couldn't answer Donny's question. He didn't know if he wanted to die or live anymore.

And that bothered him. How could he _not_ know? Wouldn't it be obvious? He couldn't help but wonder why not, since no one wanted him alive anyways.

Or was that in his imagination? Why would someone say they didn't want you dead if they didn't?

His shoulders sagged. He was so confused. Leo knew the answers were in the past, but he couldn't bring himself to look there.

All of a sudden, there were footsteps behind him, just around the corner.

Leo didn't have a reason to live; he didn't have a reason to die. He didn't know much anymore. But he knew that there was definitely a reason to hide.

&&&&&

Raph looked around the corner, only to find a futuristic version of a ghost town in western movies. He'd had no idea there was a place in New York like this.

Mikey had called a little while ago with no luck of finding Leo. He was heading in Don's direction.

After running the entire way, this seemed like a good place to walk. He knew he had to find Leo quick, but the fact was he couldn't keep up.

Besides, maybe he'd missed something.

Walking in the shadows, Raph couldn't help but hope Leo _was _here. If he was anywhere, this was probably the best place to be. Didn't help much with the mood, but the fact that the place was practically abandoned meant no one would be around to see a giant turtle in their midst.

Every time he passed an alley, he checked to see if someone was hiding in it. He suddenly had a feeling that Leo was here.

When his foot came in contact with something gooey, he looked down, half-expecting it to be blood. Instead, he found regular old mud, not a surprise, considering all the rain they'd been having lately.

It was a major relief.

Checking his current surroundings, he found he was at a park. It wasn't very big; it just housed three swings, a small slide, a merry-go-round, and one of those concrete tunnels kids could crawl through like a hollowed log.

The park, especially, was swallowed by the large trees that loomed over this area like a rainforest, making it difficult to see the night sky. He could only guess that that was where the shadows were coming from.

Raph frowned. _Enough lookin' around; it's time to move. _He pulled his foot out from the mud and was about to run again when he noticed something.

There, in the mud, sat his own footprint. But right _next _to it, there was another that also had only two toes. And there were more of them.

He followed the footprints quietly to the swings, where they stopped.

The place was eerily quiet, making the swing before him creak so much more loudly as it made a short sweep through the air. Raph reached out a hand and stopped its path.

He smiled, determination set in him. Moving from the swings, he took the few steps needed to get to the tunnel. Coming to its entrance, he bent down to look inside.

Sure enough, even in the darkness, the form of his elder brother was clearly visible.

After a few seconds of silence, Raph chose to speak. "Mind if I join ya?"

Leo didn't say anything; he didn't even look at him. But Raph knew he'd been heard when Leo turned his head away from him.

Not caring at this point if his brother wanted to talk to him or not, Raph crawled right in, sitting next to Leo.

That lasted about fifteen seconds. The moment Raph had finally gotten himself in, Leo was quickly crawling out. Raph had to lunge forward to catch him, just barely getting a firm hold on his ankle, causing Leo to trip and land in the mud. When he landed, he kicked his foot out towards his brother's face, making him let go.

Recovering quickly, Raph got up and ran after him. Luckily, the mud had slowed him down and he was able to tackle him. Once he had him pinned, his only problem was keeping him that way.

"Leo!" Raph yelled at him through grit teeth. "Will ya calm down? I gotta talk to ya before ya go and do somethin' stupid!"

"There's nothing to talk about." Leo said, still trying to get out of his brother's grasp.

"Bullshit! You had to have run off for some reason, and even if ya didn't, I'm still gonna talk to ya!"

Leo stilled, remembering what he had done back at the lair.

"It's somethin' to do with the 'sacrifice', isn't it?"

Leo tried to get away again, but when he couldn't, he let out a sigh, and nodded.

Raph waited, but Leo never said anything. "Well? Ya gonna tell me?"

His brother was completely defiant. "No."

They sat there for a few minutes, Leo occasionally trying to wriggle away, but never saying anything. He'd taken back his nonchalant demeanor and obviously wasn't about to let Raph brake it.

Eventually, Raph sighed. "All right, here's the deal. I'll let ya up, but ya gotta promise you won't go anywhere. Got that?"

After a few seconds, Leo nodded and Raph let him up. Raph had a new tactic now. If he'd learned anything from their past week, it was that Leo hated people seeing right through him.

Staring him down, Raph waited until Leo turned to him, knowing that someone was watching him. "What?" he asked.

Raph didn't answer him, just kept up the death glare. Leo looked away a few times, but always came back. When his fingers started to dig into earth, Raph knew he had gotten to him. Now it was okay to talk.

"Do you really want to die?" he repeated Donny's question.

Leo's head snapped up and he hiccuped. "Don't ask me that question."

"Why not?" Raph kept his voice even, trying to convey the message that he had the upper hand.

"Because-" he looked down and hiccuped again, "because I don't want to think about him."

_Him? _"Who're ya talkin' about?"

Leo's eyes widened, realizing that he'd let out a valuable piece of information. "Nobody you know…"

"Then why not introduce me?"

He'd started to hiccup now. _He's remembering something…_

"I can't." Leo tried to turn away; leave it at that.

Raph was having to fight to keep his temper under control now. "Oh, yes you can. And you're gonna."

"No-"

"Too bad, Leo! Don't ya get it?" He got up on his knee and leaned closer to him. "You finally have it, and you're not even gonna look at it? This is the next step to getting better, and you're not going to take it? Do you want to live your life wanting to die?"

"No!" Leo shouted. "I mean… I don't know." He sniffed before hiccuping again. Raph was about to yell at him when Leo spoke again, very quietly. "I don't want to be like him."

"Who?"

The hiccups were coming faster now. "I don't know." Raph waited through the hiccups for Leo to speak again. "Raph, why do I have to remember it?"

"You already know that."

"No I don't. I shouldn't have to-"

Raph interrupted, "Why not?"

"I don't know-"

"Yes you do. Now tell me why you don't wanna remember."

"I don't-"

"Leo." Raph interrupted again. "Tell. Me. Now."

He watched as Leo leaned his back against a tree that was behind him. "I-I…"

Raph thrust his hand against his shoulder, perhaps a little to hard, forcing it back against the tree. "Why?"

"I'm afraid!" Leo shouted.

For some reason, that took him aback. Raph blinked. He had pretty much guessed that, by the way Leo had been acting, but it was the way he had said it. From the look on Leo's face, he was surprised too.

The thing about it was, it just wasn't Leo's voice. It was him who was speaking, his articulation, but it wasn't his words.

They were the words of a child.

Leo hiccuped, not concentrating on Raph anymore. "I'm afraid."

&&&&&

He could almost picture it now. There was his diamond-like shield before him; with each word Raph said to him, it was like someone was pounding on it, looking for its breaking point.

_Thump. Thump. Thump_. Over and over again.

And Raph kept pushing; kept looking for that spot. But Leo couldn't protect himself. He knew, deep down, that Raph was right. He just didn't want to believe him.

But then, Raph found it. _Crash!_ Leo could almost hear it. His shield was broken and he had nowhere to hide.

The next thing he knew, Raph was forcing him to look at him. He had eased most of the weight up on Leo's shoulder by now, but was still holding on, as if it was the only way to keep Leo with him.

"What're you afraid of?"

Leo tried to find the words, but his throat had gone dry all of a sudden. That boy he had met as a six-year-old had ruined his life. And he was going to be just like him.

That's what he was afraid of.

"C'mon, Leo." Raph said as he released his grip on him, sitting next to him. "It's time to tell. You can do it."

The hiccups were finding their way through his throat again, but he let them pass. Raph was right. It was time to tell, and not just to his brother. Leo needed to hear it to.

"Raph," he hiccuped, "do you remember when you guys found me by the drainage junction" another hiccup; "when we were six?"

&&&&&

"_Guys! Guys, where are you?" Leo had called through the sewers. His brothers had gone off on another little adventure today. Raph had even been able to talk Donny in to it this time, an event that had only happened three times in their lives._

_Leo sighed, looking down at his small feet as he walked. He wondered where his brothers could be. He'd spent the last hour and a half looking for them._

_Hearing the thunderous sound of water, he followed it until he was back at the drainage junction, the first place he had looked. Leonardo raised his eyes up to the catwalk._

"_Maybe they're up there…" he muttered to himself._

_Upon reaching his destination, his hopes were quickly dashed. No brothers. Disappointed, but not yet deterred, he walked to the other end of the catwalk, hoping to maybe catch sight of them._

_To his surprise they were there, talking as they walked around._

"_Do ya think he's gone?" he heard Mikey ask quietly._

_Raph stood on his tippy-toes to look around. "Yeah, I think he's gone. Why does Leo always have to come after us?"_

"_Raph, he's just worried." Donny told him._

"_Well he can stop bein' worried!" Raph yelled, working himself into a temper. "We ain't babies, we can take care of ourselves!"_

_Mikey nodded. "Yeah! Leo always treats me like I'm a little kid!"_

"_We _are_little kids." The purple-clad turtle had pointed out._

"_And you actually are a baby." Raph pitched in. _

"_I am not!"_

_Raph ignored him, turning his attention back to the young Donatello. "But, c'mon. Ya have to admit, he gets annoyin'."_

_Above them, Leo waited for his answer. Was this what his brothers thought of him?_

"_Well," Don started out slowly, "I guess. Sometimes."_

_Leo's heart sank. He watched Raph grin. "See? I knew it." They started walking around the drainage junction. "Ya know what else I don't like about Leo? He's always actin' like he's better than us. He does everything perfect." Raph kicked a small rock into the water. "And then he goes around and acts like he's our mother! He's only six, like us!"_

_Mikey agreed, with less enthusiasm then his brother. Don nodded half-heartedly. _

_Raph did an about-face, causing little Michaelangelo to run into him. "What don't you like about him, Mike?"_

"_Me?" Mikey asked. He thought about it for a minute. "He's always bossing me around and treating me like a baby! It's like he thinks I'm a little baby he has to watch and take care of all the time!"_

_Raph rolled his eyes. "You already said that, lamebrain!"_

_Mikey just shrugged his shoulders._

_Raph sighed and turned to Don. "How 'bout you?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_What don't ya like about Leo?" Raph asked, like it was an obvious question, which it pretty much had been._

_Donny shrugged. "I don't know."_

"_Aw, c'mon!" Raph said, throwing his arms down._

"_Yeah," Mikey went along with his older brother, "there gots to be something!"_

_The three walked around a little bit more before Don answered. "Well… he trains too hard. It kinda makes us look bad."_

"_Yeah!" Raphael shouted. "And then he gets all the special attention! It's not fair!"_

_Leo looked down at his feet. So that was what his brothers really thought of him. Was he really that bad? _

_Their voices were beginning to fade as they left the drainage junction. The last thing he heard was Raph shouting again._

"_Ya know, sometimes I really hate Leo."_

_Now, that was the thing that hurt the most. It was like someone had stabbed him in the back, but then changed their mind and went for the chest too. Raph hated him? Why? What had he done?_

_Leo sniffed, but refused to cry. He was about to go back home when he heard a voice behind him. _

"_Jeez, are they always like that?" Leo turned to see a boy, about fourteen years old, with dark brown hair and eyes. He had on a black t-shirt and blue jeans. In his hand, he was holding a cup. The boy took a small sip._

"_Uh," Leo didn't know what to say. He'd never met a human before. But he figured that when he did, the human would've run away, not talk to him. "I don't know." He finally said._

_The boy took a few steps forward and for a moment, Leo saw his face twist in pain. Then he relaxed. "It seems like every time I come down here, they're talkin' about how much they hate you or how mad they are at you. Especially that one kid- his name's Raph, isn't it?"_

_Leo nodded slowly. He didn't know if it was a good thing that this boy knew all of these things._

_As if he had read his mind, he reassured him. "Don't worry. I won't tell anyone about the giant turtle children I found in the sewer. You have my word. " He took another sip from his cup, then mumbled to himself. _

_The only word Leo heard was 'time'._

"_So," the boy looked back at him, "I guess you're Leo, huh?"_

_The blue-clad turtle nodded. The teenager looked at him for along time. "What do you do for a hobby, Leo?"_

"_Huh?" That didn't seem like a normal question. "Uh, my brothers and I practice Ninjitsu."_

"_Yeah, your brothers were talkin' about that. But don't you do anything by yourself?"_

"_No, not really."_

_His new companion watched him again; he was reading him like a book. "What do you usually do? Besides train?"_

"_Um," Leo looked around, "I usually watch out for my brothers; you know, when Master Splinter is gone."_

"_How long is he gone usually?"_

_Leo hesitated, not sure if he should tell. "A lot. It's hard to find food and supplies down here."_

_The boy bit his lip before turning his gaze to the floor. He took another small drink from his cup, clutching his stomach slightly. He turned his back against the railing, gasping slightly. "Man, do I feel sorry for you kid. You're gonna be just like me."_

_What was he talking about? "I don't understand."_

_As if he was in pain, the young man leaned his head back, breathing hard. When he was done, he turned back to Leo. "You're going to be just like me, and I'm not a person you should be like. I wouldn't wish my life on anyone." He laughed. "What life am I talkin' about?"_

_Leo took a few steps forward. This kid was acting weird. "Are you okay?" As he got closer, he caught whiff of a strange smell. It was like some of the things he smelt when Don was mixing things, as he was growing attracted to science. Some sort of chemicals._

"_Yeah, I'm fine." The kid smiled at him. "I'm fine… today." _

_He took a look at his cup before tipping it back drinking the last drop. When he brought it down, Leo realized that's where the smell was strongest. "What was in there?" he asked worriedly._

_The boy froze, his smile broke. "Yeah," he whispered, "you'll be like me. You're sure quick, aren't you?" He watched Leo, then closed his eyes. "It's rat poison."_

_Leo's eyes widened. "Rat poison? Why'd you drink rat poison? Don't you know that'll kill you?"_

"_Yes."_

"_But," the young turtle couldn't understand, "why?"_

_The boy through his cup into the drainage junction, then kneeled down beside him. "Listen to me, Leo. There's things that you just don't understand yet-"_

"_But killing yourself is wrong!"_

"_Wait, wait, calm down. Listen, you don't quite know what it's like. Do you understand what death means?"_

"_It's when someone goes away."_

"_That's right. They go away. But they don't come back, Leo. Not in this world. Have you seen those cute little shows with ghosts, or angels?"_

_Leo nodded._

"_Those are all lies. When someone dies, you won't see them again. They're gone. And… it hurts when they're gone. My mom died a few months ago. She was just starting to hang around the house some more, too._

"_Her and my dad weren't around so much back when we were kids. I have two little brothers, you know. They're twins. Ya know, your brothers remind me of them. Like you, I'm the oldest. I've been taking care of them since they were little, but they never really cared. I'm too bossy, too nosy, too perfect." He looked at Leo as he said those last words. "You're brothers treat you like that too, don't they?"_

_This was starting to get to Leo. What did his brothers have to do with this kid killing himself? "I-I don't think they are. We're brothers-"_

"'_Brother' is just a word; a term. In fact, it's probably the only thing that's holding you together now, isn't it? I bet you guys used to be friends. Then, I don't know, you took different interests. Separated. Then you just watched out for each other, 'cause you're kin. But now they're looking at you, and they see someone different. And they wonder why they even devote all this time to helping you in the first place. And then… they'll just abandon you."_

"_No, they wouldn't do that… would they?"_

_It took the suicidal boy a few minutes to answer him. Leo hadn't taken too much notice of it before, but now he seemed to be in great pain._

_And that just fed his smile._

"_They say they wouldn't. And they probably _would_ help you if you were in a physical, life-threatening situation. But they don't care what you think. Sure, they'll help you if you go and do something stupid, but then they'll slack off." His brown eyes burrowed through Leo's. "They'll just sit back and let you die."_

_Leo shook his head. "They can't… they wouldn't." he sniffed, "They're my brothers."_

"_Yes," the teen started, "yes they are. They're just like mine. The only reason why they tolerate you is because you're family. But do you really think they'd care if you just mysteriously disappeared?"_

_Bending his head forward, Leo recalled the conversation he'd heard a few minutes ago. "Well, maybe not. They do hate me, don't they?"_

"_No, they don't hate you. They just don't care about you like they used to. Remember?" he said with a sarcastic smile, "You're so much better than them. They think you can take care of yourself. And if you can, so can they."_

"_But that's not completely true! Mikey's always getting hurt, and Raph gets into trouble all the time- I have to take care of them! I don't want them to get hurt, and if they get in trouble… they'll blame me."_

"_It doesn't matter that you take care of them. You're the big brother. You have all the advantages that they want. But they don't see what you don't have. That's another thing that makes us so alike."_

_Those words finally set in on him. "I'm gonna be just like you?"_

_As his skin paled, the boy nodded. "Sorry to say so."_

"_But, I don't want to be like that! I don't want my brothers to hate me!" He could feel a small ache inside. He'd been feeling that a lot recently. "And I don't want to die."_

_Looking at him sternly, the boy chose another question. "But do you want to feel the pain?"_

_Leo realized the teenager in front of him was fighting to maintain his voice. "What pain?"_

"_The one on the inside, of course. I know you feel it. It's eating away at you, and it hurts, doesn't it?" He didn't give him the chance to answer. "You can get rid of it you know."_

_That simple thought snapped Leo's head up. "How?"_

"_See? I knew you did." He took in a deep breath, pacing himself. "If you wanna get rid of the pain on the outside, you have to trick yourself. Make your body focus on something more immediate, something that hurts more. Push yourself physically; hurt yourself over and over again. Protect your brothers, even if they can't stand it. The pain will go away, mostly."_

"_I don't understand." Leo shook his head. "Master Splinter says that's wrong."_

"_In a way," he sighed, then gasped, "I guess it is. But it's better than killing yourself."_

"_Then why are you doing that?" Leo snapped._

"_My brothers want me dead." He said, not missing a beat. "You see, this isn't the first time I tried this. They've been 'helping' me for about a year now. At first, it was kinda nice. It was like they actually cared about me. But then they stopped me from my way of getting rid of the pain." He pointed to his heart, looking away. "And then it hurt again; here, ya know?"_

_Leo nodded. "I know."_

_The boy clutched his stomach. "I heard them talking last week. They're getting tired of me. One of 'em wants to turn me in; he's so fed up. So, I figured I'd just do them a favor. They won't have to worry anymore."_

"_But," Leo tried to think of better words, but could come with a few; "do you really want to die?"_

_That made the kid stop in his tracks. He looked at Leo, not knowing what to answer, when all of a sudden, he leaned back. Leo watched, wide-eyed, as two rivers of blood made their way from his nose._

_When he brought his face back down to the horrified little six-year-old before him, he made no move to wipe the blood away. "Internal damage." He said calmly. "It's time for me to go."_

_Leo jumped up as the kid made his way up against the railing, slowly. "Maybe you don't have to die! You could go to a doctor! And then you could come back down here. Life wouldn't be so bad!"_

"_Life anywhere would be bad. People like us- we're born to live, and we live to die."_

"_Un-uh." The blue-clad turtle tried to convince him, as well as himself. "We don't have to be like that."_

_He just looked at Leo, no emotion on his face. "You'd be surprised how things can change."_

_Noticing how the boy could barely hold himself up without support, much less stand, Leo began to wonder why he was getting up. "What're you doing?"_

"_Jumping."_

"_But, you can barely-" his voice cut off as he realized what he'd meant. "You're jumping into the water, aren't you?"_

_A nod was his only answer._

"_Why?"_

"_Someone might find me down here. Who knows, they may even be able to save me. I'm just buying my time. I'm dying today."_

"_But you can't!"_

"_Why not?"_

"_Because…" Leo began, trying to think of anything he could say. He didn't even know this guy, so he couldn't use himself as an excuse._

"_What'd I tell ya? No one can see a reason for me to live."_

_Leo snapped. "But what am I supposed to do? I don't want to end up like this; all alone and full of spite! How can I not be like you?"_

"_I told you." The boy snapped right back. "There is no way. You're looking at your future right here, Leo. It's imbedded right into your soul." Seeing the way the little turtle's hope shattered upon his words, he thought of a small something to reassure him with. "But hey, maybe you'll be a little different. You're learning that ninja stuff; maybe you can save the world, or something. Find anything you can to do with your life. While you're sacrificing yourself for your family, try to do something for yourself, okay?"_

_Before Leo could say anything else, the teenager pushed himself, with great pain, across the railing. He sat there for a minute, breathing heavily. "This all begins in the darkness of your mind." He paused, smiling. "See ya on the dark side, kid."_

_And then he fell. _

_Leo immediately leapt the few inches over to where he'd been, only to see him hit his head on the side of a wall and then slip into the water. His body floated for a few seconds, then spiraled down into a dark, watery abyss._

_That place haunted him for weeks. It seemed that every time he fell asleep, it was there._

_Hiccups began to explode in his mouth and he felt tears stream slowly down his face. For the first time in his life, Leo felt afraid. Not only because of the death he'd just witnessed, but mainly because of the fact that deep in his heart, he knew those words were truthful. He would be like him. _

_He had no idea how much time had passed when he felt a paw gently land on his shoulder. Turning sharply, he came face-to-face with Master Splinter._

"_My son," the old rat said worriedly, "what is the matter?"_

_Leo shook his head. He couldn't tell. But when his father figure outstretched his arms to hold him, back in the days when he could, Leo quickly went into them._

_Splinter stood there for a few seconds while Leo continued to cry, his hiccups refusing to cease. Leo raised his head a little bit and saw his three brothers behind Master Splinter. While all three of them looked a little worried, and much more confused, he didn't miss the annoyance that also shone on Raphael's face._

_It seemed that this was his fault again._

&&&&&

The hiccups had never stopped throughout the entire time Leo was telling the tale of his past, but Raph quickly got used to it. Somewhere towards the end, Leo started sobbing, a new thing to him. In his whole life, Raph had rarely seen his brother cry. But he had never _heard _him.

The story finished, Leo lowered himself to the earth, and continued to cry, just like he had when he was a child. "It was all my fault…" He repeated softly to himself over and over again.

Sighing, Raph began to wonder how many times he had screwed up as a child, how many times he had said the wrong thing.

Looking back at his brother, Raph tried to tell him how sorry he was. He has no idea that the memory had been this bad. To see someone commit suicide; being told that he would end up just like that, the idea seemed to horrible to imagine a six-year-old going through.

After trying to talk to Leo several times, Raph quickly saw that his words were falling on deaf ears. Leo had gone deep within himself, and was refusing to come out.

Raph found himself more anguished than he thought he would've been after hearing this tale. Watching his brother curl himself into the fetal position on the mud, he crawled over to him. He couldn't just let Leo lay alone like that, in so much pain.

That kid had told him that was how he'd end up. Raph was determined to prove him wrong.

Lifting his body, Raph let Leo's head rest on his knee, pressing a hand against his shoulder to calm him down. It seemed to help a little bit.

With a start, Raph realized that the boy had been wrong about Leo. Even though his elder brother couldn't hear him, Raph felt the need to tell him anyway. "Leo, you're not like him. He wasn't right about you. If you were, you'd be dead now. Sure, ya have a lot in common, but here's the difference: he _did _kill himself. You're still here."

Raph bit his lip. "You're gonna stay here, aren't ya? You gotta a lot of people who love you, bro. And you were right; we're not like that guy's brothers. We care about you."

Raph didn't know what else to say, but he kept on talking. Somehow, he found he had other things to tell him. And as he did so, eventually Leo's hiccups ceased and he cried himself to sleep.

&&&&&

Okay, that is _the _longest chapter I've written in the history of my life! Hope ya all read it!

So, (pacing holes in the floor) how was it? It took me so long to get this right, so I hope it was good enough for you guys!

Oh, and I'm sorry if I got anything wrong about the rat poison thing. When you don't have Internet while you're writing, it means asking parents. And you can only get so long with questions like 'How much will kill you?' and 'How long will it take?' before they start thinking you're suicidal!

In short, I really hope you liked this! Hope everybody reviews!

Oh yeah, please stick around! There's only two chapters left!


	11. Murder

Surprise! Guess who decided to add two more chapters to the length of Suicide? Me! That's right; after this chapter, there will _not _be _one _chapter left, but three! Yay!

See, it was taking too long for me to write a simple chapter, so I broke it into two pieces to update quicker. But then, I realized that would leave me with an odd number of chapters, and I can't stand that! Unless it's three or a number that ends with five, I cannot have an odd number of chapters!

(shoulders slump) Yeah, I think I figured out where my writer's block for Dead of Night drifted off to. Do I need to spell it out for you? I do? Okay. S-U-I-C-I-D-E.

But anyways, I guess I'll just get to writing now. 'Kay, everyone ready? Then let's begin!

Disclaimer: I had a dream once that I owned the TMNT. But sadly, that's exactly what it was. Only a dream.

&&&&&

For a reason he couldn't justify completely, Donny found that he kept looking at the time. The little digits of the clock changed slightly, as if it had been waiting for him to look its way so it could show off.

8:36. Almost thirty-six hours since Raph had found Leo and dragged the memory out of him. They met up with them on there way to help Raph search, finding that he'd already found their brother.

Raph didn't tell them what he'd heard until they had brought Leo back home safely to the lair. The blue-banded turtle hadn't moved from his bed since.

Donny had had his suspicions, so he wasn't surprised when they turned out to be correct. The purple-clad turtle was just happy _he'd _been the one around when it was proven. He didn't know how his brothers would've handled the situation at the time.

Basically, Leo had gone catatonic. The next morning, Don had been checking up on him when Leo woke up. But he didn't do anything else.

Sighing, Don returned to his task at the present. It was his turn to watch their brother. It had also been that next morning when he realized the cut on Leo's arm had gotten in an infection.

Checking it again, he saw that it was worse and began to clean it out again. He was thankful that Leo was catatonic at the moment. He'd never really been a good patient.

He found a clean bandage; pure white and devoid of small, light patches of blood. Don lifted his brother's arm and unwrapped the old bandage.

Leo never moved. Not as if he was expecting him too.

In fact, besides the gentle rise and fall of his chest, Leo only moved when the strength of the infection that had a hold on him overpowered his body. He only slept when his fever forced him into unconsciousness.

Looking in the clock, Don saw that he still had almost an hour before Mikey came. Turning back to Leo, he bowed his head and cried.

&&&&&

"Hey, bro." Mikey spoke softly. There was a small smile on his face, but anyone could tell it was being forced. "I can watch Leo now. I made you and Raph some sandwiches. They're on the table, if you're hungry."

Donny stood up. "Thanks, Mikey."

"No problem."

No other words were said. Donny left the room; Mikey took his former seat by Leo's bed.

Slowly, Don walked to his lab. Out of habit, he turned on his computer and opened the Internet. The screen sat still before him. Then, he reached out to type in the search engine's search box.

Ever since he'd heard the story, several things had been bothering him. The kid Leo met… who was he? The boy had had a huge impact on Leo's life; in effect, their lives. They needed to know more about him. Like why he thought Leo, at six years old, would be like him.

After almost twenty minutes of searching, he found a newspaper article dating back nine years. There was a school picture of a teenaged boy; he was wearing a slight smile, but like the unusual one Mike had worn minutes ago, you could tell it was forced. He had dark brown hair and dark brown eyes that stared through the viewer like they could tell everything about them just from a glance.

And from the way Leo had described him, that could have possibly been true. Don knew immediately that this was the boy.

He started reading the article.

TRAGEDY IN THE SEWERS 

_The body of Logan Acker (14) was found in the sewers one week ago on the eighth of October. Autopsy results have come back showing that there was so struggle. The report also states that there was a very considerable amount of rat poison found in Acker's blood and organs. That, along with the tremendous quantity of water found in his lungs, could be the cause of death, but the police are investigating further on the massive wound found on Acker's head, which caused severe head trauma. _

_The NYPD is not giving any information as to this case being investigated as a homicide or a suicide._

_Logan Acker leaves behind his father, Paul Acker, and twin brothers, Scott and Henry (13), in his memory. Paul Acker, a businessman, was away at the time of his son's death. He described his son as 'responsible and perspicacious well beyond his years'. Younger brother Henry says, "Logan was a great guy. I could never have asked for a better big brother. I just wish I'd been a better little brother." A teary-eyed Scott said only one thing about his brother. "I miss him." The message is short, but a powerful reminder to families everywhere to cherish every moment with their loved ones._

_The Acker family has arranged a funeral for Logan at Hope Memorial on this Saturday at 4:00 PM._

Don sadly shook his head. The media had no respect for the grieving.

He didn't know if the police had ever found out what the case truly was; a suicide or a murder, but he knew it had been in fact _two_ suicides _and _a murder.

Logan had killed his spirit, but that suicide went unnoticed, just like Leo's had for so long. Then he killed his body. It was that one that led to the murder.

Nine years ago, when Logan decided to take his life, he'd taken Leo's with him.

&&&&&

It was different every time. And it scared the crap out of him every time. The day he met the boy replayed in his head over and over again, never letting him stop.

Sometimes he was a six-year-old meeting the suicidal teenager, other times he was fifteen and reliving the event in his own body. Sometimes, it'd switch. The six-year-old would know what was happening while the older turtle was witnessing it for the first time.

Even scarier, he started seeing the memory from _his_ point of view. Every time he fell in the water, he felt as if the water was real, his lungs filling with water and blood. Leo wished it were a dream every time.

But instead of waking up, it would start all over again.

This time was different though. _This _time, Leo _started_ in the water. His memories were getting shifted around, he knew. At all times, the boy had been the only one in the water, but this time, Leo was there too. He felt somewhat better that he was watching this in his own body.

But then he saw the boy down there. And he was still _alive_. And just like when he was talking to him in those last few minutes, he'd never wiped the blood from his nose.

All Leo could do was stare.

Then the boy spoke to him. His voice was clear, as if he wasn't under the waters.

"Welcome to your dark side."

&&&&&

Lately, I've been mad because no one's been updating. Then a little voice went off in my head. It sounded like this: 'Neither have you, you bonehead!'

Uh! I'm _so_ sorry that this chapter was so short! Please forgive me! You'd think that with all the time I've had lately, I could've done better. But I couldn't! I've failed! (runs off crying)

(comes back) Please review! (runs off crying again)


	12. Darkness Has a Name

Returned quicker than last time, didn't I? (giggles) But I'm not hearing any complaints! (silence) At least, I hope I'm not.

Ya know, I just remembered that at some point which I can no longer remember, I said I'd be done with this story by the end of May. Two months after May, I'm starting to doubt that theory. Now I'm aiming for the end of August. Wish me luck!

All right then, everyone glued to their chairs and ready to read? Then by all means, read!

Disclaimer: On the day that I own the TMNT, run for your lives, 'cause it's a sign of the Apocalypse!

&&&&&

He heard guitars. Heading back to Leo's room, Donny looked in to see that Mikey had brought some of the CD's Leo had grown attached to. Mikey turned his head to meet his eyes, but didn't say anything. Don just shrugged.

Mike smiled, then frowned. "Isn't it Raph's turn?"

"I'll take it." He paused. "Maybe you should talk to him."

"Raph?"

Donny nodded. "He's been doing the self-blaming thing. You're the one he should talk to."

"Don't mean to prove ya wrong, bro, but my superior attitude doesn't necessarily rub off on him."

It got him smiling, a little. "Just do it, Mikey. Maybe he won't beat you up."

"Very reassuring, Donny." Mikey shook his head as he headed out the door, turning back once to look at Leo, then turning to Don. "He likes the seventh song best."

The purple-banded turtle nodded slowly. His younger brother left. When he was gone, Donny turned to Leo, whose fever had eased him into a state of semi-consciousness, if you could call it that.

And then somehow he knew. He knew Leo was fighting a battle within himself; seeing and hearing things he was afraid of, a person he wanted to but couldn't avoid.

Don thought back to what he'd just read. He sat down in the chair they'd put next to Leo's bed and leaned closer to his elder brother. "His name's Logan. Leo, you don't have to be like him if you don't want to. You're the one who makes the decision, not him." He whispered.

Looking at him, for a moment, he thought he saw a small bit of comprehension flash across his brother's features, but it was gone before he could confirm it.

He sat there for a few more seconds, then got up to fetch a damp cloth. Leo had an internal battle to fight. Don would do what he could for him on the outside.

&&&&&

It wasn't hard finding Raphael. You just had to follow the steady beat of the sound of fists making vociferous contact with a punching bag.

Mikey walked to the dojo, a task so regular now, he didn't even need to think about it. He arrived just in time to see his red-clad brother hit the bag hard enough to knock it off its chain.

"Jeez, Raph." He tried to joke. "What'd the punching bag ever do to you?"

Quickly dashing any cheerfulness Mikey may have had left with one glare, Raph walked over to his latest victim, probably trying to decide if it was worth pummeling again. "What do ya want, Mike?"

"Nothing." The younger brother offered quietly. "Don took your shift."

Although it was a _punching_ bag, Raph had never found a problem with kicking it when he was angry.

"What's your problem, Raph?" Mikey blurted, surprising the both of them.

The temperamental turtle just stared at him for a few seconds. "To you guys? Probably everything."

Mikey shook his head. "You're just as stubborn as Leo."

That made him pause. For a moment, Mike even thought he saw a faint smile. But if that's what it was, it was gone almost immediately.

Raph left the punching bag on the floor. "It was my fault, ya know."

"How?"

"I took you and Donny out into the sewers, and Leo came lookin' for us-"

"That's not what I meant, Raph." The orange-banded turtle interrupted. "How's it _your_ fault, and yours alone? Me and Donny came with you, too." His voice became quiet. "Take out the 'y', bro. It's not your fault; it's _ours_."

For a moment, the two of them were quiet, quite odd, considering who they were. But then Mikey decided to speak again. "Actually, it was that one kid's fault. He's the one who killed himself right in front of Leo."

"Anything to get the guilt off us, huh?"

"But it's true. The stupid jerk didn't have to do that right in front of him."

Raph was quiet again. "Did ya see the way Leo looked when he… ya know, when he had my sai?"

Mikey nodded. "I was hopin' to forget. What about it?"

"Ya ever wondered if that's what that boy looked like?"

Silence between them. Then, "What're you getting at?"

"We almost lost Leo because of something stupid I said. He said the kid had brothers. What if _his_ brothers said something stupid, like I did?"

It wasn't a matter of 'What if', like Raph had phrased it, Michaelangelo knew. He remembered what his brother had told them, after Leo had told Raph. That's exactly what had happened. "Are you worried that he was right?"

"I told Leo we weren't like them. I don't wanna prove my words wrong later on." He looked at his feet. "Mike, tell me we aren't like them."

"We aren't."

"How do ya know?"

He thought it through. He'd had his questions, too, after all. "We tried to stop him. From the way I got it, that kid had been down here several times. His brothers must've not been doing a good job taking care of him if they just let him leave like that."

Watching his brother's eyes, Mikey saw that he thought he was right, to some extent, at least. It'd suit for now.

Raph walked up to him then, and did something that surprised him. He hugged him. "Thanks." Was all he said, then he turned and walked away.

Mikey stood still for a moment before following him.

&&&&&

That same smile never faltered, even after its owner was dead and gone. It had haunted him ever since that day nine years ago, well, until the point he repressed the memory; but now it was here again, more real than any twisted picture his memory could have painted.

Leo didn't let the boy speak another word. "You said the dead are gone forever. They don't come back." Even at his outburst, the smile didn't fade. "You're not real."

He'd meant it as an accusation, maybe even something to reassure himself with. Apparently, the dead teenager didn't care. He _laughed_. "I said you were quick; several times, I believe."

"No. Only once."

The boy just shrugged; continued to stare at him. The eyes… they tore through him like they had that day, long ago. How'd he do it? How'd he see every detail the heart tried so desperately to hide? How could-

"How could you do that?" Leo blurted out. Fingers spasmodically clenching at his sides, the thought sprang upon him in anger. Not necessarily at this _person_ before him, but mostly he felt weak, like a child, as he said it.

"Do what?" The boy asked calmly.

"How could you do _that…_ to a little kid? Would you have killed yourself if my brothers were up there instead of me? How could you do that to someone so small; so…"

"Vulnerable?"

Leo looked up. _Vulnerable? Maybe-_

"Yes, vulnerable." The boy interrupted his thoughts. "Vulnerable. Small and weak… like you are now."

A questioning, and quite confused, look from the blue-clad turtle furthered his explanation. "Look at yourself, Leo."

He already was. And he didn't like what he was seeing.

Small hands. Perfectly normal for his body, but that was a body he'd outgrown almost a decade ago. Somehow, like in his recurring and twisted nightmarish memories, he'd become a six-year-old again, with the knowledge of his older self.

Looking back up at the boy, he was surprised to find that there was no smile on his face.

Like his insides had been the victim of a hurricane, the eye of the storm passed over his soul, and all was calm. As quickly as the fact that he'd become a child again had appeared to him, he became a teenager again.

"There…" the other spoke softly. If Leo hadn't known better; almost soothingly.

The turtle suppressed the urge to ask him what had happened. For all he knew, the kid was just trying to distract him from everything else that was on his mind. "You didn't answer my question."

"Don't you wanna know what happened to you?"

"Yes." He paused. "But I want to know this first."

The boy sighed; looked down, looked up. "I can't answer that."

"Why not?" Leo shot back, barely a second after his companion had finished speaking, but still with a sense of ease.

A pair of brown eyes blinked at him in slight surprise. "I'm not real."

It only took a moment for him to realize what he was implying. "You're not _him_." Leo moaned softly.

"Sorry."

"So you can't answer any of my questions? You can't tell me anything about your life, or what made you think I was like you?"

"Nope. I can theorize, but that's it." The smile returned. "But my, you figured that out quick. I said you were a clever one, if only it was once; that day on the-"

"I remember." The blue-banded turtle massaged his forehead with one hand. He whispered to himself. "Now I do."

Here, Leo found another surprise. The boy now actually looked remorseful. "I may not be real," he spoke in atone no higher than the turtle, "but I _am_ sorry about what I did."

Without his knowledge, his hand flew down to his side; a green blur against the incredible darkness that only existed here in his mind. "Why can you remember that?"

"Because you do. I remember every detail of that day; each one you picked up, even subconsciously, as a six-year-old child."

"Of course." Leo said. How he wished the suffocating darkness would completely engulf him. How he wanted to disappear; go anywhere, even death, to avoid the memory. The boy was right. He was weak. He felt that way at least.

The next time he opened his mouth, a childish voice came out. He was six… again. As much as it bothered him, he ignored it. "Why do you have to be everything I want to forget? A lot of help you are. You can't even tell me your name."

Wishing he was fifteen once more, but not minding staying this young forever in exchange for escape from this hell, Leo watched the boy cock his head, as if someone was speaking to him from far away.

"Maybe I can't," he said, almost smugly; "but I bet you I know someone who can."

Before Leo could ask who, a voice, faint and distant to his ears spoke to him. _"His name's Logan. Leo, you don't have to be like him if you don't want to. You're the one who makes the decision, not him."_

_You know him; you know him! _A little voice rattled off inside his skull. The more he tried to place that voice though, the more his brain hurt.

_Donny_. Leo smiled, proud of his little achievement. He remembered his brother's name. The joy was short-lived, however. Guilt quickly overcame him.

"The key word is _remembered_, huh?" The boy, whom he now knew as Logan, asked. "That's something you could've- no, should've known without thinking about it, isn't it?"

"Shut up."

"I'm just trying to tell you what's going on."

Replaying the correspondence, Leo found something odd. Looking at Logan, and quickly realizing it was only of benefit to the latter, he gave him a sign to continue. He didn't until Leo became his normal age once more.

"Yes, I can hear every word you're thinking. This is your mind, after all. Your thoughts might as well be vocalized here; they _are_ to me." He didn't wait for the blue-clad turtle to speak. "I know. Not much privacy, is there?"

Leonardo chose not to answer that. He'd keep whatever composed disposition he had left.

"Figured that out too, huh?"

"Figured what out?"

"The calmer you are; the more cheerful you are, the lower your chances are of becoming a child here." Logan gestured to the empty, blackened space around them. "You spend a lot of time here. This is where every thought of guilt, sorrow, anger, loneliness, unconfidence, you name it, all negative emotions; this is where they lie. Even your sinister thoughts. You _do _have them."

The thought angered him, but he cooled himself down. He didn't want to become a child again. _So this is where my evil lies?_ _What makes you think I'm here so often?_ Leo thought to himself, testing the boy's words.

"Okay, I didn't mean _evil. _It's more like your thoughts of anguish. But don't make me answer that question, Leo." Logan retorted. "You know yourself at _least_ that well."

"I may come here a lot, but I'm not here all the time. And you've never been here, so why should I believe you?"

"Leo, look around." Logan smiled, but it was a sad one. "I said this was your dark _side_. It may be what makes it so bleak, but _it_ is not the pain you want to inflict on others, but most of all, yourself; it's not the criminal within you."

Slowly, he began to understand what he was getting at. But he didn't speak, didn't think, fearful of the idea being true.

Logan obviously was one of those people more interested in the harsh truth than a little compassion. "_This_ may be the dark side of your mind," he paused, "but _I_ am the darkness within you."

&&&&&

Well, there's another chapter down; the one that was supposed to be the last of this fine story, but is not. Once again, I was kinda short. I must apologize. Next one will be longer, I promise!

Now, I have a need of you, my loyal fans. Inumaru12 has brought up a very important matter for me to consider…

**Should there or should there not be a sequel to Suicide?**

I have an idea for one, but it all depends on whether or not you guys want it. I'm personally afraid of sequels. It's like with movies; so often it ruins the original. But I'm willing to do my best, if you want one.

Seriously guys, I can't write the next chapter unless you put your word in. There are two different ways for me to end this, both like a good story and without a cliffhanger, but if you want a sequel, something simply cannot happen here and must not be allowed to enter the next chapter.

So tell me: To write a sequel, or not to write a sequel? _That_is the question. And I leave it to you to decide. Most votes win, so if I get eight reviewers who want it and seven who don't, it means you got one!

Please review! Tell me how the chapter was and if there should be more to come! Thank you!


	13. Early Release

(stares blankly at computer screen for five minutes, jaw lowered to the floor)

(finally manages to pick up jowl and speak) Holy crap. I must be seeing things! How the heck did _I_ manage to get 208 reviews? It's not humanly possible, I tell you! Well, it shouldn't be for me, anyway.

But like I care! I'm ecstatic! And I have but one thing to say: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! You're reviews have certainly cheered me up after three very stressful weeks, most of which being spent without Internet access!

And so you all may know, there… drum roll please (drums start up from nowhere) (curious look, then shrug)… _will be_ a sequel to Suicide! That means: More work for me! But it's fun work, so I don't mind. And to the people who didn't want a sequel, my sincerest apologies. Unlike my stepfather, who practices dictatorship, I prefer democracy in these matters, so I chose to go with what the people wanted. But I still hope that won't stop you from reading. I'll do my best to make it good.

Oh, and sorry guys. No more shout-outs. I just finally checked my e-mail and discovered I could be suspended for doing so! So, I've gone back and deleted every last one of them in this whole story, as well as the others.

Well, I know how long you guys have been waiting on me. Not fair, I must say. But I was grounded; not much I could do about that. Anyways, I got this chapter to you guys as fast as I could, so enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't yet own the TMNT, but I will someday. First our beloved turtles, and then the world! (blinks) Whoa. I think I've had a little too much sugar today. Excuse me.

&&&&&

Even though he refused to participate this time, as he'd done the time before, it still went on without him; the events were the same as they'd always been. They could never change. The outcome would always be the same.

Eyes shut tight, Leo sat on the catwalk, holding his legs tucked up to his plastron. He pulled his chin down to his chest and began to rock himself back and forth.

Leo knew he surely looked childish, but he didn't really care. After all, he _was_ a child at the moment. He was scared and he was boiling on the inside with anger. If Leo wanted to feel the negative emotions he'd neglected recklessly since that day, there was a price to be paid.

It was a strange concept: wanting to feel those dark emotions. It wasn't like they'd been completely suppressed; he had experienced them when he was older. There was no possible way he could've avoided them, after all.

But this was so much stronger. He was feeling the full power of these sentiments now. And by doing so, Leo put to use the one thing he'd learned from Logan that had been of some benefit, even if it had ultimately led to his downfall, and this place, in the end.

By distracting himself with the pain his anger and other dark emotions brought him, he didn't have to feel the pain this memory brought, the one he could see vividly even with his eyes closed, as they were now.

"You have to talk to me sometime, you know." Logan's voice came to him softly, but echoing violently in the darkness.

Leo looked up suddenly. As much as he wanted to express the anger he felt, he wanted to be his normal age more. The blue-banded turtle had been small when he met Logan. But he was fifteen now.

This was a place where, even though it belonged to him, Logan held all the power, power over him. The one thing Leo could control, and only occasionally at that, was his age.

He'd only been six when Logan died before his eyes. Things were so much more big and frightening at that age. That was one power Leo refused to give him again.

Logan cocked his head, looked him over. "Do you honestly think you can stay here forever without uttering another word?"

_No. _Leo adverted his gaze. "What's the point. There's nothing to say. If there was, you would've heard it by now." He gestured tot he nothingness, his mind.

With a small laugh, the other boy leaned back a little, as if he were sitting in a recliner. He almost looked like he was levitating. "Wrong place, my friend."

"I'm not your friend."

"Really?" Logan sat up a little. "But you seem so fond of me." He said sarcastically.

When there was nothing but silence, Logan continued. "Well, if you refuse to talk to me, I guess we'll just have another go at it, eh?"

Before Leo could've said anything, the blackness faded into the scene on the catwalk. Like he had all the other times Leo refused to 'talk', Logan had sent him back to the memory.

Defeated once more, the blue-banded turtle slid uncomfortably down the railing and folded his legs closer to the rest of his body once more.

&&&&&

Three days after Leo went catatonic, Donny put an IV in his arm. Raph wasn't quite sure where he'd got it from, along with all the other interesting medical supplies, and electronics, his brother possessed.

Although sometimes they wondered, he didn't think anybody really _wanted_ to know. They all knew Don well enough to trust he hadn't killed anyone for it, nor found the items in a toxic waste dump.

Don hadn't been able to put an IV in as quick as he would've hoped, though. It would've been a lot sooner, but he had to go find some first, since they didn't really have them on hand. A day before he'd found it, he'd been wondering if he should put it in or not, though Raph thought he'd already decided to, and was just voicing the idea so they'd know. But if he wasn't, Leo sure made it clear that it would be necessary.

All three of them had been in the same room at that moment; Mikey taking his watch by Leo's bedside and Raph and Donny talking in the doorway. Although his attention seemed to be on his red-clad brother, Don must've been keeping an eye on Leo as well through his peripheral vision because he'd suddenly snapped his head in that direction, telling Mike to turn Leo on his side as he searched through the room, finally picking up a small wastebasket.

Barely a second had gone by before Leo gagged; throwing up what little had been left in his system. That's how Donny knew they needed to get an IV into him. Apparently, Leo had been a lot sicker than they'd thought. Mikey and Raph had taken Don's shifts while he searched for one. Leo was unconscious pretty much the whole time.

From then on out, they decided to keep Leo on his side most of the time, occasionally shifting him back on his back so he wasn't in the same position for too long. The danger of him suffocating in his own vomit while no one else was around was just too high.

But now, four days later, a week in all, he was doing much better. The infection was healing nicely; and he hadn't thrown up again since yesterday morning. His fever had even come down, if only a little bit.

Physically, he was well down the path to recovery. But Raph knew that wouldn't be so easy for Leo in the mental department. For one, he was still catatonic, and there'd still be a lot for him to get over. if he ever came out of it.

Raph desperately hoped he would. He had a lot to talk about with his brother; a lot of apologizing and explaining to do.

&&&&&

In the short moment he had after coming out of the memory; the brief seconds before Logan would surely appear, Leo wondered how long he'd been inside his mind. Time was immeasurable here. For all he knew, his physical body had aged ten years. Perhaps this eternity would only turn out to be no more than three seconds.

Logan came out of nowhere from behind him, not really surprising him. Leo _was _a ninja, after all. Even though he couldn't see him, he knew he was there. The boy sighed. "By doin' this, please try and understand it's not meant as a… I don't know, a punishment." He paused. "I'm not here to hurt you, I'm here to help."

"That's an interesting method." Leo turned to face him. "If you're here to help, then tell me why I have to watch you- _him_, die over and over again. What's that for? How does that count as help?"

"You always were one for symbolism, Leo." Logan said. For once, he looked dead serious. "Maybe if you if you watched instead of curling up into a ball like a coward, you'd notice what each part of that memory meant to you."

A coward. The turtle had been feeling that word clawing its way into of him for some time now. As he thought about it, he realized it wasn't surprising Logan had known that. He probably monitored him at all times.

But there was no more time to ponder such thoughts. Darkness, in the body of Logan, was continuing.

"In your mind, everything means something to you. An easy example is me, as you were just thinking. I'm the darkness. There's others. Let's see… you consider the rain a form of cleansing; forgiveness. That's why you like it so much. Your swords are your strength. I could go on."

Leo blinked. Logan was telling him things he'd never given much thought to, but had before. He was right.

As many times as he would tell himself otherwise, he knew Logan was _always _right.

The boy continued, "Your own brothers even symbolize sometime to you. Michaelangelo, ironically enough, is your sanity. You've entrusted Donatello with your peace of mind. And Raphael is your motivation." He stepped forward, closer to him. "So what're you, Leonardo? What did that day turn you into?"

Leo was still dwelling on his brothers, who were quickly slipping from his grasp. He held on to them still, beginning to believe that they'd be his way out of this. _He_ was the one who needed them.

That thought saddened him. "Someone who isn't needed anymore." He whispered, hoping that'd bring the conversation to a close.

Logan shook his head. "Wrong. I told you before, you're speaking to me from the wrong place."

Trying his best not to become a little kid, Leo snapped his head up, glaring at him. His attempts were useless. "What do you want from me?" he practically shouted. Trying to get away from him, Leo sat down.

"You need help." Logan whispered. "Your brothers tried, but you avoided them."

"I-" he sniffed, "I _did_ try…"

Logan sat down beside him. "Yes, but only for them. You didn't take _their_ help. So now, you must take mine. You have to learn things the hard way."

Tracing invisible swirls in the darkness with his eyes, Leo frowned. "Honestly, I don't think Darkness is a very good teacher."

"Ah, I'm afraid it's a cruel master."

Able to resume a calm conversation, the blue-banded turtle turned back into his fifteen-year-old self. "Shouldn't there be some light in me?"

"Oh, there is."

"Then why aren't I there?" Don't you think that'd be a better place to heal?"

With a shrug, Logan stood up. "Perhaps, but I don't really think so. At least, not in your case."

"Why not?" Leo asked, also standing up.

"You're not allowed to go there." He didn't need to hear the question repeated, for a different reason, to know to explain. "You wouldn't learn anything there. Right now, there's too much pain, anger, even hatred inside you. You gotta square with that first."

Leo shook his head. "I can't do that."

"'Cause it hurts, huh?"

After a moment, he nodded. "I'll just ignore it." He thought about it. "I've gotten pretty good at doing that." He said softly.

Logan shook his head. "That's not an option this time. Even if you wanted to, you can't. Your brothers know now, and they aren't gonna let you."

All of a sudden, the need to be with his brothers intensified. They _were _the way out. Logan had mentioned his brothers before, but Leo hadn't- much more, _couldn't_ be with or even think about them for very long.

In an instant he slipped into the big-brother role. "I need to get out of here."

The boy shook his head once more. "You haven't even started to help yourself."

Leo stepped forward. "Logan, I have to be with them. You know what they mean to me. I need to go… now!"

"A mind is a very twisted place for people like us. Are you sure _you_ even know what you need?"

Ignoring him, Leo began to pace. Logan shook his head sadly, mumbling to himself. "We're so good at playing pretend…"

Quickly walking back and forth between invisible walls, Leo didn't hear him. Finally, he growled. "What do I do?" He moaned, swinging a right hook at the emptiness.

To his surprise, a small line of white appeared there, like a rip in a piece of fabric. It was a dim white, but even a dark gray would stand out here.

As it had opened, Leo heard faint voices. _My brothers._ He inched closer, but he couldn't really understand them. But he knew, this was the way out.

He turned; faced Logan. "Why didn't you tell me I could get out?"

"You never asked." In a nano-second, he was by his side, lookin into the rip. "And you're not ready to go back there."

Looking away from him, he tried to make out the words he was hearing, smiling when he recognized each voice. It had disappeared by the time he turned back to Logan. "I need them a hell lot more then I need you."

He was about to open the crack a little more when Logan's hand rested on his shoulder. "If you do this, you'll just be setting yourself up for more pain." He nodded towards the voices. "Them too. Things might be good for a little while, but war wounds like this just get worse over time if you don't treat them."

Logan's grip tightened. "You _will _hurt again. You _will_ feel empty again. And for all you know, next time might be worse."

Leo's breath quickened. Thoughts of hatred and remorse for Logan filled him, along with painful and neglected childhood memories.

But he had to get out of here. As long as he was with his brothers, there was a purpose for life. Even if they didn't need him anymore.

Behind him, he heard a sigh and Logan removed his hand. "I know what you're doing. I'm not saying you can't go…" His hand moved to the center of his shell; "Just now I'm not done with you yet."

Before he could say a word, Leo was going through the white tear in the darkness.

He couldn't tell whether or not he'd been pushed or pulled in.

&&&&&

Reluctantly, Raphael gave up his seat by Leo's bedside to Mikey, but not going very far, not even to the doorway. Mikey flashed him a smile and sat down, his fingers rolling a small stone in his right palm. It was an odd little rock; black with little spots of white. Don had said it was snowflake obsidian.

It was one of the things Splinter had left for him when he died.

It had taken practically a month to work up the courage to clean out the old rat's room. When they finally did, they found he'd left a few items for each of them. No one even touched them. Another month had passed before any of them did. Mikey was first, Raph a week later; whilst in one of his tempers, and Donny almost three weeks after that.

Leo had been there for all three of them when they did; when the tears had finally flown. Raph was the only one who hadn't, but Leo had been there nevertheless, in case he did. Thinking about it some more, Raph wondered if his elder brother had ever even taken his items from Splinter's room. He wasn't sure, since he hadn't been in there since that one day.

Donny entered the room, walking over to Leo to check on his IV. He'd been doing some research on catatonia lately, wondering if those short moments not so long ago when Leo seemed to blank out the present reality were early bits of it. Raph had a feeling they were.

Often, the red-clad turtle thought about Logan Ackers. Donny had told him several days ago, right after his chat with Mikey and about an hour before they realized they needed to get an IV into Leo.

Much as it grieved him, he could see the comparison between him and his brother.

There were many similarities in their attitudes; their selflessness (most of the time); loneliness; each thorough in their plans and tuned in to the needs and desires of their brothers, just to name a few.

And there were even things of mere coincidence. Both were the eldest of their siblings, all of which being brothers. Heck, even their names were similar. To many people, the names 'Leo' and 'Logan' often brought up thoughts of courage and bravery.

There was another thing, too. Logan had killed himself at the age of fourteen. That was only a year's difference to when Leo had attempted to do so as well.

But that wasn't the scariest part. Logan had said-

Raph's thoughts were interrupted by his youngest brother. Mike and Don, who had finished checking Leo's IV, had been talking, Raph brooding in a corner, when the orange-banded turtle suddenly blurted out, "Hey, was Leo on his back when I came in here?"

Snapping his head up, Raph checked on his brother. Sure enough, the turtle was now lying on his shell.

He came closer, by the rest of them now. "No- I turned him on his side durin' my watch; 'bout an hour ago."

Both of their eyes were on him as he spoke, lingering still a few moments after. Donny was the first to look at Leo, making sure it wasn't an accident. No one wanted to get their hopes up only to see them crashed to bits. But a minute later, Leo's left leg shifted slightly, though Mikey was the only one to catch it.

An eternity of silence seemed to pass as they waited for any other body movements. And it was while doing so that a voice, faint and a bit dry from the past several days not used, spoke.

"I think my leg's asleep." They all recognized the voice; raising their heads abruptly anyways to make sure it was him.

And it was. Leo was awake. He smiled widely as he saw them.

&&&&&

Once the cheers and kind words were said and done, things got quiet. Mikey didn't like quiet, it made him nervous. Unconsciously, he fingered his worry stone.

Looking up, he caught Leo's gaze before it quickly adverted to the tube in his arm. "So, have I been out long?"

"Try a week, bro." Raph answered quietly.

Oddly enough, he looked relieved. Leo tilted his head up to view the ceiling, whispering to himself. "I thought it'd been longer."

His three brothers exchanged worried glances. They knew what had happened with Leo's body for the seven days he'd been out. And that's all it had been; seven days. One week.

Mikey's hand closed around his stone. He wondered exactly were the rest of Leo had been during that time. Apparently, it'd been out of the loop longer than his body.

Leo must've been growing aware of the uneasy atmosphere that was settling around him because he attempted to sit up, wincing as he put too much pressure on his still-healing arm. He immediately fell a ways back as well, dizzy from having risen so fast.

By that time, Donny was beside him, stepping into his medic role. "Relax, Leo. Lay back down." He put a hand on his left shoulder, gently easing him back down. Leo was looking at his other arm now, seeing bandages on it for the third time in less than a month. "It got infected. You're still pretty sick; you need to rest."

He didn't argue. Watching him, Mike saw that he actually looked quite exhausted. But he obviously didn't want to rest yet.

He looked up at Raph. "Did you tell them about…?"

Their temperamental brother nodded. "Don't worry about it. They know. But Donny's right, just relax, bro."

The blue-clad turtle didn't say anything, just laid his head on the bed. But he didn't rest, just fidgeted around a little. He was trying to _stay_ awake.

Raph tapped his foot to get his attention. "What're ya afraid of?"

_Afraid?_ Mikey looked at his brother, noticing something Raph had obviously seen earlier. He did look scared.

Leo shook his head. "Nothing."

A previous thought entered his mind again. Mikey waited until Leo looked at him, having felt someone's eyes on him, before speaking. "Are you afraid of…" he thought out loud, "going back?"

He knew he'd hit something when he saw his big brother's eyes widen slightly. Maybe he hadn't been too far from the truth by thinking Leo had gone someplace else while being catatonic.

The said brother just stared for a while. Then he nodded.

"Don't worry about it. Think about something else, 'kay?"

Leo looked down, contemplating it. He was getting drowsier by the second, but fighting it. "Are you guys going anywhere?"

"Nope." Mikey smiled. "We'll be right here." _If anyone's going anywhere,_ _it'll be you._ He thought sadly.

It still took a few moments, but either he accepted it or was overpowered by the steady stream of drugs flowing into him, because he nodded and closed his eyes, drifting off.

Leaning back in his seat, Mikey rubbed the snowflake obsidian stone some more. He raised his head towards his other two brothers.

Raph continued to watch Leo. "Think he'll go catatonic again?"

Donny looked down to the floor. "Yes." He paused. "But I don't think it'll be too soon."

Smiling, Mikey pulled a blanket over his sleeping brother. "If you ask me, I think Leo's staying. And if he goes anywhere, he won't be for too long."

For the next few minutes, Raph just stood around, watching Leo as he slept. Then he grinned; headed towards the door. "Me too."

&&&&&

Thirteen chapters gone, one to go! Don't worry, the wait won't be nearly as long. I've already started on the final chapter! It'll be up in about a week, not even two. I'm so excited!

In the mean time, I'd like to wish the victims of Hurricane Katrina well. Have any of my dear friends and readers been effected by its fury? If so, my thoughts are with you and I'd like to dedicate this chapter to you and your loved ones. I don't think I actually know anyone who lives down there, but I'm worried sick that I do. I hope everyone will be okay!

But anyways, if anything was wrong with this chapter as well, please for give me. I do my best.

Please review!


	14. King Me

Well, my friends, this is it! This is the last chapter of Suicide! I'm nervous and I'm excited… (starts crying) and very sad to let my baby go! It seems like I just typed it up the other day. (sighs) They grow up so fast.

My, that must sound cheesy. But oh well. This is how I am!

Anyhow, as I said last chapter, though some of you read them before I edited it, there are no more shout-outs. They are no longer allowed on this site, along with author's notes during the story or song lyrics. If you weren't aware of this 'til now, I suggest you take care of any of these problems you might have immediately. Seriously guys, stories are at stake here!

Now that that's done, I'd like to briefly thank everyone who's ever reviewed this story. From now on, I shall do this at the end of each one. These _aren't_ shout-outs!

First, I'd like to thank the ones who've reviewed _every_ chapter here. Thanks for puttin' up with me for the last thirteen chapters: **spootycup**,** Katana-Babe**, and **pacphys**!

Everybody else, you're reviews mean a lot to me too! So here's thanking: **tbreader**, **chibi Nataly**, **Darktiger2**, **liin sivi**, **Sassyblondexoxo**, **kikiyophoenix19**, **eldarsevenstar **(a.k.a. **alex**), **Dierdre**, **Lioness-Goddess**, **CelicaChick**, **blueraven**, **leo oneal**, **BubblyShell22**, **Reluctant Dragon**, **sporksareweird**, **Goblin Cat KC**, **DigDugBug**, **Inumaru12**, **Satana**, **dragon shadows**, **anomonus**, **Madvy**, **Lunar-ninja**, **Chibi Rose Angel**, **Flame Guardian**, **Gemdrive**, **kerrbear**, **Kellie Fay**, **Sapphire93**, **night2frost**, **AngelWarrior74**, **Cascadiascience**, **The Sacred Heart 2**, **HollyWd**, **Isis-Lament**, **My Bloody Hell**, **Pretender Fanatic**, **Entropy**, **BE-A-TLE**, **Dreema Azaleia Wingblade**, **Cynlee**, **Jessiy Landroz**, **Reviewer**, **Anime-crazed33**, **Empress Caroline of Tamaran**, and **Digmon Girl**, as well as everyone else who may review in the future.

My God, isn't that amazing? Forty-nine people, from all over the world, have read this teenager's stuff! And that doesn't even include the people who haven't reviewed! I feel so warm and fuzzy inside!

But I'm sure that everyone whom I've just named off, if they're still reading, are wanting to know the ending to this story. So, without further adieu, I leave you with the end of Suicide! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Don't own the TMNT, or any other cartoon that'll make me mega rich. _But_, I do _finally_ own a DVD player!

&&&&&

Not even three days had passed before Leo went catatonic again. As far as they knew, in the past two weeks, he'd done so six times now.

Again, that was as far as they knew.

Mikey had come up with the idea that he was going to a specific place each time, even if it was one that possibly existed only in his mind. The thought had easily been excepted, though no one knew why. _Intuition_, Donny thought. But it couldn't be confirmed; Leo refused to talk about anything that happened to him while he was catatonic. But he'd never denied that something _was_ going on either.

The first time he went catatonic again, he'd still been bedridden, so it almost went unnoticed. Raph had been trying to talk to him; apologize for the things he'd said nine years ago. It figured; he was in the right place at the wrong time.

He'd lost his courage to try again by the time Leo came out of it, nearly two hours later.

Two days went by and Leo was up out of bed, with nothing but a slight stomachache. He and Donny had been having a normal conversation when Leo blanked out, slowly, in mid-sentence, forgetting his thought before he was back to normal about forty-five minutes afterward.

In the mean time, he quietly repeated several things his brother said, freaking Mikey out and confusing Raph, who'd come to see what was going on. Quickly telling them he was going to look it up on his computer as he headed there, not having to worry about repeating himself in case they didn't hear, since Leo did so for him almost immediately, Donny set to work looking through the stuff he'd saved to his computer on catatonia.

He came back to tell them about echolalia, a common symptom in these cases. Sometimes, catatonics would repeat the words spoken by ones around them, like a parrot. Another common symptoms was echopraxia; when a catatonic imitates gestures and body movements, and, rarely, were responsive to verbal commands. Leo never demonstrated that.

The very next day, they were talking about Logan. Don showed him the news article he'd found relating to the boy's suicide. At first, Leo had no desire, in any aspect whatsoever, to even glance at the thing, so they left it at that, for the time being. However, he quickly, and quite mysteriously, changed his mind after coming out of a ninety-minute catatonic episode. He never gave them a reason why.

After that came three surprises. First, Raph declared he thought Leo could, and _should_, leave the lair for a bit of fresh air. The second surprise was Leo didn't want to, despite the fact that before he remembered what'd happened to him, that was one of the things he'd wanted to do most. But the third, and biggest surprise of all, was that no one argued about it, just went to their rooms.

It didn't take much thinking to realize what Raph's intentions had been, though Donny didn't think Leo had understood that when he declined to leave.

And then came the eighth day, the fourth incident of catatonia displayed since the original. It was another demonstration of echolalia, thought his time it was Mikey he copied, and the two were alone; the other two brothers out patrolling the city.

Sometime during the twenty minutes Leo was 'gone', Mikey developed some sort of… remedial mind game, if you could call it that. It was the only thing Don could think of. Although they weren't exactly sure if it'd actually worked, it was extremely brilliant thinking on Mikey's part.

After having each attempt to get Leo back fail and recited back to him, he changed his wording, talking in the first person, instead of to Leo; feeding him sentences he hoped would encourage his eldest brother to come back. Well, he did. However, he was visibly upset and went to his room before anybody even got home.

On the tenth day, Leo finally worked up enough courage to leave the lair, suddenly compelled to visit Splinter's grave in a desolate area of the park. The quickest way was through the drainage junction. Leo took the long way.

No words were said at the gravesite, and nothing went wrong either. The four of them stayed for an hour or so. It wasn't until they came back that they realized how distressed Leo was over the sojourn. When he went to his room, he was shaking and dry sobs racked his body disturbingly quietly.

He eventually stopped. His brothers stayed with him for the three hours he was catatonic.

And then came day thirteen, disproving a wide belief in the number's superstition. That day, three days in between the last one, Leo did go catatonic, but it was so short, it was barely noticeable. It _would_ have gone unnoticed, if it hadn't been during dinner.

Then, Mikey had told Don something that day, when everyone else was heading to bed. A memory _he_ had, concerning the year that had lead up to now. It made him think about things…

That had been a day ago. At the moment Leo was sitting quietly in front of the TV, unaware that Donatello was watching him from behind. That was only unusual if you knew Leo. He wasn't catatonic, just lost deep in thought.

He was holding the old news article in his hands. Donny watched him crumple it up, then regretfully smooth it out again and set it aside. Angry; but not wanting to act stupid.

Leo was still in a hole he'd dug for himself, with some big help from Logan. And despite help, there was nothing at this point he, or anyone else, could do to get him out.

Don suddenly understood why his brother felt so alone sometimes, even when everyone else was there.

&&&&&

Watching Donny, who was watching Leo, Mikey turned around to see if Raph was perhaps watching _him_. That'd be an interesting chain of events.

Walking up to his purple-banded brother, Mikey tapped him on the shoulder. "What's up?"

Don turned around, slightly surprised, but shaking it off quickly. "Just thinking." He cocked his head, noticing his younger brother had his mind wrapped around something as well. "Mikey, did Leo ever tell you anything that day? When he went catatonic while Raph and I were out?"

His thoughts immediately turned from what he had told Donny about a day earlier. Checking to make sure Leo hadn't noticed their conversation, he scratched his head nervously. "What day?"

_How'd he know?_ Truthfully, Leo _had_ told him something, but it was so little and he went so fast, Mikey had felt like he'd only been given a nibble of the cake, when everything else was telling him it was a mouthful.

But he'd been right. Every time he went catatonic, Leo went to a place deep inside himself. He'd been nervous talking about it and hadn't really finished. The blue-clad turtle had started hiccuping during his explanation and decided that was all Mike needed to know.

Unable to describe it well, he called it his 'Dark Side'.

The name almost made Mikey laugh, reminding him of Star Wars. He almost laughed, but didn't. _This_ Dark Side wasn't from a fictional movie, innocent once you pictured it in that light. _This_ was real, yet imaginary. It was a piece of Leo foreign to everyone, especially himself.

"Mikey? You there?"

Michaelangelo lifted his head to see Don again. "Huh?"

Donny shook his head and repeated his words. "You know what day. Or have you developed a case of amnesia since then?"

"Um, maybe… what's my name again?"

His comment earned him a small grin from his brother, but he went right on with his questions. Turning his head in the direction of Leo, who had now distanced himself from the newspaper article, as if he were mad at it for being written, Don lowered his voice, "See what he's doing? He still hasn't accepted any of this." He turned back to Mikey. "The last time he did that, he ended up repressing it from his memory."

"Whoa, wait a minute." Mikey's eyes widened. "Do you think _that's_ gonna happen again?"

"I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out from his state of mind right now, but you can see how difficult that is."

Mikey blinked. "But last time, it was weeks before he started acting funny."

"That's by what _you_ told me." Donny had a thoughtful look on his face. "Raph, along with myself, have no memory of that. And you were only six; that was several years ago. You might have your timing messed up. But even if you don't, it'd be nice to stop the problem before it starts."

"_If_ there's a problem."

"Right. So, did Leo-"

A shadow developed in between of them. "What're you guys doing?" Leo asked.

Simultaneously, the two spoke. "Nothing."

Leo gave them a funny look. It spoke for itself. _What've I done wrong, now?_

_Nothing_. Mike wanted to tell him that, because he hadn't, but the fact was, he just might not have done it yet. As horrible as that day had been for Leo, it was important that he didn't forget it again.

Leo still looked upset. He never talked about him, but it was obvious he thought about him a lot. Instead of taking a step in the path to improvement, he took an enormous backslide.

His elder brother's eyes broke away from him quickly, uncomfortable. Leo had been having a horrid time with maintaining eye contact lately. He shifted his sight, only to realize he was looking at the entrance to Splinter's room.

He just stared for a while, then entered, closing the door behind him.

They didn't eavesdrop, but the silence was so thick, the small sounds coming from the room could be heard easily. It sounded like Leo was quietly rummaging through things, looking for something. Somewhere down the line, he must've found it or gave up, for he stopped. Next came the crinkly sound of paper. Then one muffled sob.

After that, there was quiet.

&&&&&

Cold ebony, silent emptiness. He was getting used to the sight.

"I told you." Logan said, spiritless grin plastered to his face. "It's getting harder, isn't it?"

_I don't have to talk to you_. Leo thought; knowing full well it would be heard.

Jumping right in front of him, the boy crouched down. "Ignoring me, huh? Not that I didn't expect that; you _said_ you would after all. You sure are a glutton for punishment."

This type of speech came from the mind. Leo already knew it wasn't what Logan wanted. _You can't hurt me._

"Oh, but I can. Or did you forget our last little conversation? You were very close to your Sensei. Shame it was your fault he died, or so you keep on telling yourself."

Leo rose in a quavering calm. "Shut up."

"Ah, so you do have a tongue."

"Go away."

"Sorry pal, you're stuck with me. Like that day at the drainage junction."

Images of rich, red blood flowing out of Logan's nose flashed around him. He remembered watching, unable to tear his eyes from the sight. Leo shuddered as the mental picture faded away, hating the power the dark side of his mind held over him.

"For once," he began, hands clenched at his sides, "will you just let me… _be_, without reminding me of you- I mean, him?"

Logan raised his hands, palms facing away, as if in self-defense. "Hey, you're the one who wanted to do this the hard way."

There wasn't much too focus on in the darkness, but Leo tried. He'd developed some tricks to get out of the mind he could barely call his own anymore. Sometimes, he could make out one of the voices of his brothers. He'd listen, repeat their words to himself. Leo liked theirs better than Logan's anyways.

Speak of the devil. "Hey, you wanna know a secret about this place?" He smiled in a way that would make Mona Lisa jealous; her famous mystery painted by Leonardo's own namesake. "Logan Acker isn't the only one to blame for this mess."

Leo frowned. _Who else is there?_

"Besides you?"

"I'm done here." He said aloud, accidentally reverting back to speaking his words once again. He was getting nervous, and Logan knew it. _I don't want to hear your secret._

The boy didn't care obviously, for he continued. "C'mon, you know it's your fault. You tell yourself that all the time, too."

How did he know _everything_? From the grin on his face, Leo could see that Logan knew he'd won. He decided to admit the wrong he'd done, softly, guiltily. "I'm the one who suppressed the memory."

Smiling, Logan cocked his head. "See? I knew you'd come along." He laughed, "How come you always play dumb? We both know you're extremely clever in situations like this. Even your enemies have commented on this."

"Like you?"

"Actually, I was thinking of the Shredder. But if you want to count me too, I suppose so." His grin grew as he saw the look of surprise on Leo's face. "Sorry, forgot to mention. You don't forget anything, ya know."

The turtle raised his fist to the black, opening a white tear through his mind and to the outside world. He was ready to leave. _Now_.

Logan appeared in front of him. "You didn't let me tell you my secret."

_I don't want to know!_

"Don't lie."

Leo lowered his hand. "What does placing the blame on me have to do with your stupid secret?"

"Hey, it's not just on you."

"You didn't answer my question."

The boy just rolled his eyes. "You and your stupid questions. You'll find out soon enough." He fixed his eyes on Leo's, boring through his soul; freezing his movements. "Who else is to blame, Leo?"

He didn't even have to think about it, the thought entered his mind before he had time too. _Don't you dare blame my brothers!_

"Hmm…" Logan thought, "wasn't going to. But I guess they do play the teeniest role in the long run."

Leo ignored him.

"Want a hint?"

_No_.

He went on anyway, speaking in a low voice, almost hauntingly. "_The sins of the father…_"

Leo's eyes widened. "Are you blaming Master Splinter?"

Logan's laugh was quiet, sad. "Exactly."

&&&&&

It'd been a long time since he'd been alone with is brother. While he was 'there' anyways.

Raph entered the room quietly, leaving Mike and Don outside. He knew about the things they were worried about. He thought about those things often too. But there was something he was more concerned about…

In the back corner of the room, Leo sat cross-legged on the floor. Before him were the remains of a small package and its contents: a dagger, some candles, a little stone with a symbol carved into it, and a letter from their deceased father. The items were positioned in front of his brother's body; untouched, after that point. The letter hadn't even been opened. Raph sighed, knowing Leo was catatonic.

He stood there for awhile, refusing to look at him, before turning around and slowly head for the exit.

"Raph?"

The red-clad turtle turned back, hearing his name. He forced a small smile. "Hey bro, I thought you were…"

Leo nodded. "I was."

He looked upset, angry, even afraid. Raph got the impression that he hadn't liked what he saw when he went catatonic. Before he knew it, he was sitting down beside him. Leo didn't object.

From this vantage point, he could clearly see what was engraved into the stone. It was the Japanese symbol for the word 'lost'.

Raph cleared his throat. "You went catatonic again last night, at dinner." He said, pretending to ignore what he just saw.

"I know." He paused, traced the outline of the stone. "How long?"

"Only about four minutes."

"How come you guys didn't say anything?"

Raph shrugged. "Didn't wanna get into one of those conversations. You don't really listen to them anyways, do you?"

"Not really." Leo smiled. But like Raph's, it had been forced.

Including this last time, Leo had gone catatonic again seven times now. But from the way he acted every day, no one really thought that was the true number. "Leo," he asked, "do you know how many times you've been catatonic?" Before he could answer, Raph changed his wording. "I mean, not including the times _we _know about."

For a moment, Leo looked surprised; didn't say a word. Finally he looked at Raph. "Eleven."

Three episodes no one knew about. He wondered how long they were. He almost asked, but he already knew he'd get no answer. Leo didn't like to talk about those things.

Neither of them said anything for awhile, then Raph sighed. Now was as good a time as any to talk to Leo. "I'm sorry." He blurted out.

"Huh?"

"I'm sorry." He repeated.

"For what?" confusion was written clearly over Leo's features.

Raph swallowed. "What I said about ya, before Logan. And before you ran out. I never meant any of that. I don't hate ya, and I don't want you to go away, or anything like that."

Leo just sat there, taking his brother's words in. "It's okay." There was an uneasy pause. "You don't think it was your fault, do you?" He asked hurriedly, but wouldn't let Raph answer. "'Cause it's not. Not really."

Well, that had been a relief. After his conversation with Mikey, he had been reassured about that, but now that Leo had even said it, he felt better. "Thanks."

Leo nodded, then broke eye contact and directed his gaze to the floor.

"So, ya just gonna sit in here all day?"

"Maybe."

Shaking his head, Raph shifted his position. "Why don't ya come out? Get your mind off Logan."

"Raph, you have no idea how hard that is."

The red-banded brother stood up. "Take some help for once, bro. You definitely know by now that you need it. Just relax a little. Or do ya wanna do this the hard way?"

Features suddenly frozen, Leo's voice quavered a little. "What?"

Concerned, Raph put a hand on Leo's shoulder; silently noticing the bandage still wrapped around his arm. Don said it could come off tomorrow. "It's all right. Just come out of here, 'kay. Ya look tense."

"Um… yeah. Okay." The blue-clad turtle gathered the items neatly, tucking them under his arm as he stood up.

Raph tried to give him a reassuring grin. "Why don't we do somethin' _you_ wanna do?"

His elder brother continued to stare at the floor for a while before nodding. "Yeah." He smiled, genuinely this time, and looked at Raph. "Let's play a game."

"A game?" He waited until Leo nodded before shrugging. "Okay, Mike got some new ones-"

"No." Leo interrupted as they were heading towards the door. "Not a video game." His grin grew wider. "A board game."

"A _board_ game? We haven't played one of those in ages!" He said, once he realized that it had truly been that long. But it looked like Leo was actually happy about this, so he shook his head in defeat. "All right. What do ya wanna play?"

"Checkers."

"All right, Checkers-"

Leo interrupted again. "Yeah, and I want to be red."

"_What?_" Raph asked in shock. Red was _his_ color, after all. By now, Leo was several strides ahead of him and had turned to see him lingering behind. "When we were kids, you _always_ used to let me be red."

Even as he said it, he could see Leo trying not to laugh as Raph figured out the key word in that statement. _Let_.

Finally, Leo couldn't take it anymore and laughed cheerfully as Raph caught up to him. "Exactly."

In the blink of an eye, his happiness turned to a kind of aversion and shock, but it quickly changed back and they left the room.

&&&&&

It's finished! Oh my God, it's finished!

Can I reveal a secret to you guys? This is actually the very first story I've ever completed that isn't longer than seven pages. Now I proved I can actually do it!

So what'd ya guys think? Was it a good enough ending? Sure hope it was!

Well, I'm not gonna release the sequel right away. First, I need to seriously write some chapters to Dead of Night. Been a _long_ time. I need to finish More, too, and continue with Actions Unknown. I also have this new one-shot, but I can't release it until you guys have seen Dragon's Brew and Bad Day (two new fourth season episodes that happened to have been already released on DVD).

Anyways, I still plan to have the sequel out before the end of the year. Look for Suicide II: Darkness Waits, sometime around early November.

Please review! Let's send this story out with a bang! And feel free to leave me any suggestions you might have for the sequel!

Pi90katana


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